This isn't feeling fair

So there's still no sign of ovulation. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Last month, CD11 was the day I ovulated. This month, I'm not sure I'll even ovulate before the end of the month. My super wonderful, but sometimes not completely understanding husband says to me this morning "you probably aren't ovulating this month." I know he meant this as just a piece of information. I know he didn't mean to upset me or make me freak out. And I didn't (at least on the outside). But the second he said it, I started to feel pretty badly. I mean, if I don't ovulate this cycle, that will mean that I won't conceive this year. There's always next cycle and next year, and that's not the end of the world. But where does this fit into my plan to have kids sooner rather than later? How does that link up with all of the "believing" I was doing a few weeks ago?

I don't know. The end of this year is really getting me down. I usually like the new year. It's always a time for me to reflect and to take steps towards making the next year better. I am not feeling any of those things this year.

Feeling bad

We are 23 days into the month, and I have only posted for 10 of them (not counting this one). I am feeling really badly about that. That said I do feel good about the content. I've really captured some interesting days for me. It's more than I've done in the past few years. I just haven't been that good at keeping a journal, so this is the next best thing.

I am on CD8 and still no signs of entering a fertile phase. The CBEFM is giving me low readings. I am ultimately not upset about it - I think I ovulated early last month just so I would have a chance to TTC before I left for the East Coast. I'm hoping to see fertile CM tomorrow because I would love to conceive during Christmastime.

And the waiting starts once again

CD5 and I am back to square one. I am waiting for signs that I am fertile and praying that this is the month. Or believing that this is the month - that this is the year - that I am going to get pregnant. I am not going to write a lot right now, as I don't think I have a lot to say. But I am hopeful and thankful for today. And that's enough.

I'm not pregnant

It’s the main reason I haven’t posted. I haven’t been sure what to say. I’m disappointed but not devastated. I still believe with all my heart that it’s going to happen for me. But it’s hard. It’s really, really hard. When my temperature started dropping, I just kept praying that it would go up again – that is was an implantation dip. And when AF showed up, I spent hours reading posts on other websites about people who were actually pregnant even though all other signs were point to their not being with child. But I took the test. And I am not one of those people.

I want to end the year pregnant. And it can still happen. There’s still time. I am still perfectly convinced I will be pregnant before the end of the year. It’s cutting it close, but that doesn’t matter. Being pregnant on December 31, 2009 still counts! I can’t stop believing – that’s what faith is all about. I still have faith. And what a great story to tell when it happens. I pushed it to the very last day of the year, but Baby Lua showed up! That will mean I am hugely pregnant over the summer because my due date would be in late September. But I would love every minute of it.

With love to you Baby Lua – I just have to wait until you’re here. But I know you’re coming. I just know.

Good Morning

I am just taking a moment to be positive again this AM and say good morning. I am so grateful and thankful for such a wonderful husband, good friends and a job that allows me the opportunity to head back east every once in a while! Today is going to be a great day!

Just waiting

I am happy. That's really the best way to explain it. I have to admit, I am tired most days. And my breast are sore. But other than that, I feel really good. I know it's because of Baby Lua. I am really looking forward to Friday morning, so I can take my pregnancy test and show DH. I know this may sound crazy to those reading this, but I am holding true to my decision. I won't go back on it now. 

My temps dipped sharply this morning. I believe it's an implantation dip. I'll have proof Friday morning. I have to stop this post now, because I am not feeling well at all. The waiting isn't killing me. But I wish I could just take a test now and tell him...

Making a decision

I am making a decision. This is really important because it’s a decision to be happy, to be unstressed, to be fulfilled. I had to actually go back and re-type what I just wrote. Initially it said “be happier and less stressed”. That’s not what I want. I want to be happy. Definitively. I want to be unstressed. Definitively. I want to be fulfilled. Period.  End of sentence. I know this sounds crazy, but I am deciding, not to believe this to be true, but to know it to be true. I have spent a good portion of my life thinking about how not happy I was. How stressed out I was. I look at previous posts and so many of them are focused on being stressed out, or not thrilled about my life’s circumstances. Then I see a lot of posts hoping good things to be true rather than just believing they are gong to come to me. I am going to change that. Better yet, I am changing that.

So where is this coming from? I just read The Secret. Now, I am not saying this book changed my life. I am saying that I am changing my life. The Secret told me what I already knew to be true. You can create your own circumstances by the power of thinking. And I’m planning on doing just that. I mean, I am doing just that.  I’ve had this work for me in the past. I can think of times in my life where I thought and believed something so much that it manifested itself. I decided that I was going to find a new job that allowed me the ability to work from home. I now work from home. I decided that I wanted to find a husband that would be truly compatible with my sometimes crazy needs. I found my DH and couldn’t be happier.

How does this apply to Baby Lua. I have decided I am pregnant. I just am. I know I took a test that said I wasn’t, but I have decided that it was too early to show results. That doesn’t change the fact that I am pregnant. I am living with this knowledge and acting accordingly. I am not drinking. I am not taking in caffeine. I am watching what I am eating. Because I am going to be healthy for Baby Lua. I am not specifying whether I have a boy or girl, because I will be happy with either. I am, however, certain that Baby Lua will be born healthy and will be happy. I know this to be true.

This may sound crazy. I understand that. But when I take my next pregnancy test this week to show my husband the good news, it will sound a lot less crazy. As a show of my faith that I am pregnant, I am not going to take a test on my testing day, Wednesday, because I won’t be at home to share the test stick with DH. Instead, I’ll just wait to take the test Friday AM when I get home so I can show him the stick. I don’t need the test results just for my own information. I just need them so when the doctor asks whether I’ve taken the test, I can say “yes’

I just created a meeting planner in my calendar for Baby Lua’s arrival date (based on my Fertility Friend ovulation date). It’s August 24, 2010. I am sooooo excited. My stomach is getting butterflies just thinking about it. This is how I am going to create my future for myself, I am going to attract the things I want for myself by believing in them. By knowing them.

So Baby Lua, I can’t wait to meet you, but I am sooooooo glad you’re here. I love you already!

More than halfway through the 2WW

I am really starting to obsess about testing. I think it's because I am feeling so good about my chances this month. I scored 43 on the Fertility Friend Early Pregnancy Monitor today. That's my highest score yet. I think that's a great sign. I know it's not definitive, but I like things that help keep my spirits up.

So, why I am so positive today. Well, my breast are definitely tender. It's not something I really notice before AF, so I am hoping that this is a really good sign. I also just feel really funny. Not bad, just funny. I'm tired and just don't feel like I have enough energy. I am feeling fluttery on the inside. Not like I get when I am stressed, and I feel like my blood pressure is high. Just a little fluttery. It may just be because I am not stressed out and am in good spirits generally.

Oh Baby Lua, please, please, please be with me. DH and I are so looking forward to your arrival. You would be the best Christmas gift ever!

Getting some good ideas

The 2WW is slowly starting to get on my nerves. I really think I am pregnant this time around. I feel just believe it to be true. Everything has worked out so that we could conceive this month. There is no good reason why I should have ovulated on Day 11. I really thought we would miss my fertile window this month, but because I ovulated so early, it worked out perfectly. I couldn't have asked for better timing!

Overall, I just have this good feeling. I am less stressed about work. I have a nice adrenaline rush which feels positive to me. And I just believe that Baby Lua is with me already. I am thinking good thoughts and trying to take good care of myself. I'll know for sure some time next week and will really try my best not to test early. It's hard though because I really am excited and just want the confirmation to share with DH!

But I am going to take it one day at a time. I will only have 9 months to enjoy the journey, so I should just enjoy every moment of it.

6 DPO

I'm back from my mini-vacation and am writing again. I am off on another trip on Friday, but I am going to enjoy the next few days at home with my husband. It's nice to have a break, but it's also nice to be back home where everything is at your fingertips.

I am 6 DPO today. This time next week, I'll be seriously thinking about testing. I have to admit - in a way I am glad to be so busy this week and next. It means that I won't be thinking about being pregnant all of the time. But I did want to just give  quick status update, because I think I will be pretty busy today...

Waiting for confirmation

I'm only on day 12, but I think I ovulated yesterday. My stats are all pointing to it, so I'm pretty excited. If it's true, I am pretty sure I'll get a "high" probability for conception from Fertility Friend. That's a good thing. I have done everything I possibly could to increase my chances of getting pregnant this cycle.

That said I know that there are no guarantees. I may have done everything right and could quite possibly still not end up pregnant. This is life. This is real. I could have fertility problem of which I am unaware. So could DH. But I refuse to let the worries get to me this early in the game. This is only my third cycle and only my first after the 2 cycles off the pill mark. So in some ways, this is really my first good shot at getting pregnant anyway.

I really want to finish 2009 with Baby Lua growing inside of me. I don't want to start 2010 not pregnant. But if that's is what is meant for me, then I will accept it and learn to deal with it.

But my temps are up. I did have an LH surge. We did BD quite a bit during my fertile time. So there's a good chance that in mid-December I'll have some good news to share. I am going to focus on that.

I got the "egg"!

On CD11, I got the "egg" on my CBEFM! I am so excited. I finally feel like my body is doing all the right things. We just need to time our BD right.

As I hope you can see from the picture, the line on the left side of the test from CD11 is noticeably dark. I don't know whether these tests are more sensitive or maybe it was the fact that I took the test in the AM per the instructions. Either way, I love the fact that I got my egg!

I am really hoping that this leads to good things later this month. I would LOVE to be able to tell DH that all of the time I've spent thinking about getting pregnant and all of the money I've spent on the CBEFM, OPK tests, the FSH test etc has been worth it. He won't go for it - he'll say I would have gotten pregnant anyway. But I can try.

So, looking at my chart, I actually think I've already ovulated. My temp over the past 2 cycles has risen in the same way that it's rising now, so I think I'll see the red cross-hairs on FF indicating that I did ovulate yesterday.  But it could be today or maybe even tomorrow given my Peak reading on the CBEFM. So I am still going to try to talk DH into BD'ing again tonight. I want to give ourselves the best chance for conceiving!! Wish us luck!

The full moon is coming

I am one of those people who is totally convinced that the full moon affects people, and this month is no exception. I am starting to feel the "crazies" coming on and everyone around me seems to be crazy too. Even though I had a few days off for Thanksgiving, I still feel like I'm right back at "super stressed" at work. I just can't wait for my busy season to be over!

Okay, okay. I know I am always talking about my job. You wonder if I think about anything else. Well, I do. Today was day three of EWCM. I have no clue what that's about. Don't get me wrong, I am totally excited about it. I am looking forward to BD'ing with DH tonight. But it's so different from the past two months. I guess it's because I was getting off of the pill, so my body was going through an adjustment period. But I certainly hope that going forward, my body is so clear about what's going on with it.

Actually, I hope that going forward I won't have to worry about ovulation any more because I'll be pregnant. Ahh, one can hope, right?

Hoping my body is cooperating

I am having a really good day mentally. The 4 days off for Thanksgiving has allowed me to de-stress about life in general, so I think I can go into December feeling good. And that's important because the last 31 days of 2009 are going to be incredibly busy ones. As I mentioned, I will be leaving the country for a few days on vacation with my best friends and her best friends - I'm hoping the sun and relaxed atmosphere will help keep me calm. However, this is supposed to be happening during my most fertile phase, which is why I am really psyched about the 2 days of EWCM I've had so far. Then I'm back east for a week, back west for a week, and then back east AGAIN for a week. I would love to make that last 2009 trip back east with a bun in the oven...

The CBEFM is still only giving me a "high' reading, but it looks like I may be getting closer to a peak reading because I see a really faint line coming in on the left side, which I believe measures the LH surge. You can't see it in the picture below,  but you can see the right side getting lighter, which represents increasing estrogen from what I can tell.

BTW, can I just say that I am truly enjoying the CBEFM! I know I don't "need" it, but being a control freak, I truly enjoy the ability to have some kind of test that has results I can take action on. It's not that getting pregnant is another item on a to do list. But I am so excited and worried about it at the same time, that it helps to have something to do about it.

My DH thinks I am spending too much time thinking about getting pregnant (and spending too much money on stuff like my monitor). He's probably right, but I think only good things come of my investment in getting pregnant. It means I am preparing myself and being positive, which can only help things. Since the "newness" of trying to get pregnant is no longer there, I am in a nice, healthy routine. I read, I write, and I occasionally reach out to others anonymously for support or to provide it. I look at baby stuff once in a while, but I really spend the bulk of my time on TTC board/websites just to prevent myself from putting the cart too far ahead of the horse. Of course, I occasionally enjoy some future daydreaming (e.g. my mia bossi diaper bag entry). But I really want to save that stuff until we have conceived Baby Lua. Then I'll feel justified looking at all the baby stuff I want.

Until then, I just want to put all my positive energy into TTC. Baby Lua, 2009 would be such a great year to join our family. Daddy Lua and I are really looking forward to meeting you, so come soon!

Here come the holidays

The day after Thanksgiving is fun time for DH and I as we buy and decorate our Christmas tree. This will be our first married Christmas, so we're pretty excited! We like to buy a special ornament each year, so we're thinking this year will be a wedding-themed one.

On a completely different note, I think I am going to be ovulating early this month. The CBEFM gave me another "high" reading this morning, but what was really surprising was the fact that I had EWCM. I'm only on day 8 right now! I am not complaining however. I am leaving the country on Thursday for a few days and honestly thought that I would miss my most fertile period while on vacation without my DH. That said, I don't know whether I should be worried about potentially ovulating this early. I am not going to think about it too much. But it's nice to be able to track what's happening with my body, even if I have no control over it.

My first "high"

My monitor gave me a high reading this morning. I wasn't expecting that. I know the first month is more likely to give you more "high" readings because it is trying to get to know your body, but I just wasn't expecting it. I know you aren't supposed to try to read the test sticks, but I am trying anyway.

As you might be able to see, the day 6 line is a little darker than the day 7 line. And the day 7 test has a bluer tint to it. I believe the estrogen line is the one that gets lighter as estrogen rises and the LH one gets darker when there's a surge.  I hope that this means I'll get better results with this vs. the OPK tests I tried to use. Those were basically useless for me.

I am feeling pretty good this cycle. I am less stressed about getting pregnant and more accepting that it just may not happen right away. I will keep writing and keep trying to relax and will pray that Baby Lua will enter our lives soon.

I am trying really hard to be positive. I am tired. I have been working really hard. I don't want to work right now, but I have to. I am cold. My DH likes it cold in the house, and I like it warmer, so I am sitting in front of a heater procrastinating.

I am not pregnant. I'm okay with that. I am hoping that I will be soon. But if this doesn't happen in the next few months, I am going to start to stress out. Seriously...

Starting the work week off positively

My temps are low, my spirits are high. I am going to be positive today.  I am making a choice to be happy, productive and stress free. As we move closer to Thanksgiving, I have to remember all of the things I am thankful for, including having a wonderful husband, really great friends and family, a varied and interesting career, etc. I will not let the stress of everyday life - at work or at home - put me in a bad mood today. I just won't.

If I were to get pregnant this month, I would have such a great Christmas gift for DH...

Still trying

I bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor. We'll see if this increases my luck this month. Although as I mentioned earlier in this blog, I'll be out of town without DH during my most fertile phase, so I may just be screwed...

So

I'm not pregnant. That's all I have for today.

I tested...

I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I just wanted to know. The funny thing is, I still don't know anything! But it satisfied my need to be doing something. It's all wishful thinking at this point. I don't know whether I am or am not pregnant and taking 1000 tests right now won't make a difference. I just have to be patient and wait until Sunday to test again. I mean, I just have to wait until Saturday. Yeah, Saturday. I like the way that sounds. Well, Friday is 14 DPO, so maybe Friday is smarter. We'll see. I know it's not tomorrow, so I'll just take it one day at a time...

Still no time for me!

I have to figure out a way to find more time for myself. I don't think I am asking for a lot. Without a daily commute (except from my bedroom to my office), I should have at least an extra 2 hours to do things I wouldn't have been able to do when I was traveling to an office. Instead I am finding that I am doing more work. Or maybe there are just fewer hours in the day and somebody forgot to tell me about it. I just don't have enough time/energy to do the things I want to do. I rarely stop working before 3 pm, but I've been up since 6 am, so I just don't feel like working out at that time. I actually want to get dressed and leave the house for a few minutes. I want to be able to say "hi" to my DH when he gets home from work.

Anyway, same story different day. I am cramping a little. And my temps are still up. But I have a while before I can test, so there's nothing interesting I can say. I hate being in a not great mood...

Okay - feeling better

Ahhh - I am happy to be back home. I had a great time on the east coast and really loved seeing my best friend, but I missed my husband too. And the super warm weather. But maybe we'll head east sometime since that's where all of our friends and family live.

I am feeling a lot less stressed today. A combination of a great weekend with friends, bring home with the one I love, and not thinking about work too much, have led me to a really good place this afternoon. I can tell you how I'll feel in about 3 hours when the "oh my gosh, it's Sunday" feeling grabs a hold of me. But for right now, I'm feeling pretty good.

I am getting a little antsy about testing. I should wait at least 8 days, which seems like forever from now. Fertility Friend actually says wait 11 days, so I am really going to try to hold out for that. I have to keep telling myself that every day that AF doesn't show up is a day is a good day and that is what should matter. So that's what I am going to think about.

I am annoyed with myself though. This month, I drank wine after I ovulated because I just knew I wasn't going to even be fertile until day 14. That was strike #1. The I at a hot dog on the plane on Friday, forgetting that I could possibly be pregnant. Strike #2. And to top it off - guess who had a hot dog again today. Strike #3. And what's so bad about strike #3 is that I remembered yesterday that eating hot dogs was really bad and had forgotten this by Sunday afternoon.

Well, I can't beat myself up over this. It's done. I am just going to hope for the best here. I am going to try to start eating better and working out more. If I don't take care of myself, I shouldn't be trying to have a baby. I also have to get better about stressing about work. It's not my whole life. It's just a part of it.

I really, really hate flying

First, let me say that I am a lot less fearful of flying than I have been in the past. I no longer cry during flights, and I certainly don’t need to have a drink before getting on a plane and in flight. That said, I still wish I could just blink and get to where I want to go. I don’t mind the long hours. I don’t mind the sitting in one place for an extended period of time. I do mind the turbulence and can’t stand takeoff.

The last thing I need right now is to feel even more anxious than I’ve been over the past few weeks, but here I am. My heart is racing, and every time the plane moves the slightest bit, my startle reflex kicks in, and I look insane. The good news is just typing this is helping to calm me down. I’m not relaxed, but I am slightly less spastic.

I had what feels like ovulation pain on my left side. I don’t know what it means, if anything, since my temps have been way up – they increase every morning. But if that means I ovulated today, then there’s no chance I’m pregnant as there has been no activity in our bedroom the past few nights. I’ve been working a bit too much. But back to the pain. It felt like cramping in a weird way, but only on one side. I have actually just felt completely off over the past week. Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying I think I’m pregnant or anything. But I’ve just been feeling off. Not tired, not sick, just off. Well, I was sick yesterday. But that’s not completely out of the ordinary.

I don’t know what to do. I keep trying to relax. It doesn’t work. And I’m not talking about the plane ride. I’m talking about in life. I had an awful work day today. And yesterday. I am on the space mountain version of a plane ride. I am worrying that I am starting my family too late in life. So I do seriously have things to be worried about. But I just want to make the physical symptoms go away. The flurry in my chest keeps me up at night and makes me crazy during the day. My mind spins, even when I just want to veg out. I hate this! It’s so awful.

Okay, let’s keep this in perspective. It’s not awful. It’s annoying. It’s bothersome. But it’s NOT awful. That’s part of the problem. I am giving more power to my feelings than they require. I’m distressed not depressed. Annoyed not anxious. Bothered not borderline getting ready to freakin’ lose it. Breathe in. Breathe out. One moment at a time. I’ll be fine. Really I will. Really.

One quick thing...

I am stressed, and I am so worried that I won't be able to conceive because of it. My heart races more often than not. This happened to me once before, and it was because my last job was making me crazy. Now my current job is doing the same. It's just so hard to work east coast hours and live on west coast hours given the 12+ hour days I am working. I am at my desk around 6 am and don't really move until 5 pm. I take a shower quickly and then start cooking dinner and spend a little time with my husband. Then I am back online around 8 pm and an end up working well past 10 pm. I am so tired at this point that I don't know what to do with myself. And the sad thing is, everyone I am working with is doing the same thing.

I am trying to set some boundaries for myself, but I find that I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work, so it's just not worth it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I need a vacation and won't be taking one for a while. I just hope to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving without all of the anxiety I'm feeling right now.

Please, please, please don't let this stress affect my fertility. I don't have many years left to try...

Feeling odd

I feel weird. My stomach feels queasy. I hate that. I am pretty sure it's the food I ate last night. But of course, there is the part of me that is hoping it has to do with conception. Given that today would only be 6 days past ovulation, that is highly unlikely. But a girl can hope, can't she? I am going to try to eat right - I haven't been drinking enough water or taking in enough vegetables. I've just been so frustrated around my cycle and with work. I haven't worked out in a few days. It's making me feel a little run down. I will get back on track next week. I am traveling this weekend, so I want to be back on track by Sunday.

Oddly, my temp keeps going up every day. I am starting to wonder whether I am actually sick. I've never had a waking temp over 98.0 and did today. I don't feel feverish, but maybe it's from stress. I have been feeling highly stressed over the past few days/weeks. I don't see it getting any better. But I sure hope it will and soon.

Still nothng

It looks like Day 12 was the right day. I just can't understand why my body didn't give me any warning. It's frustrating. I am just taking it one day at a time. It's funny - I feel like I didn't do a great job preparing this month and what if this is the month that I get pregnant. It would be too funny. Well, it would be awesome, but also really funny.

Being stressed at work is not helping things any. My work life has gotten fairly hectic for me (12+ hours days), and I am still having trouble sleeping. DH is bordering on furious. He hates when I work late because it means I am unavailable to spend time with him, but even worse, it makes me a not awesome person to be around. He's not pleased with me now because I was short with him when talking to him this morning. I really wasn't annoyed with him. I was just trying to get work done while talking about something and my patience was at it's highest point. I got less than 7 hours of sleep (which is not usual for me) and it was 6 am. Not really excuses, but still. I need him to cut me a little slack too. I told him I wasn't annoyed with him, but I'm sure it still hurts when I'm short or snippy with him. I take responsibility for that, but I just wish these little things wouldn't happen. They make me more cranky and that is just not a place I'd like to be.

Well, I'm back to work again. I'm hoping today will bring some relief from the stress I've been feeling. Maybe I'll even get some EWCM?

Day 12?

My temp is still up today indicating that I ovulated on Day 12 and not closer to Day 18 like last month. I know the first few months off of the pill can be irregular, but I guess I didn't really think about the possibility that I would ovulate a lot sooner. That said, the only sign of ovulation has been my temperature. I haven't had any signs of fertile CM until late last night, and the OPK tests have been coming up negative. And I would have been testing early enough to catch an LH surge because I started testing around day 6 or so. So if I really did ovulate, I'd be surprised and disappointed with myself because I'll feel like I missed all of the signs that were so clear last cycle.

If I did ovulate, what did I do wrong? I know I am not drinking enough water, so maybe that's it. Or maybe I just didn't ovulate. That is certainly an option here. I don't know what to do. And to top it all off, I have been having a glass of wine with dinner the past few nights. Now I know I shouldn't have. And if I am pregnant, I'll feel pretty badly about that. I haven't been drunk or anything, but still. Better safe than sorry. Oh well, I am not going to beat myself up over this. I am going to keep up the BD with my husband over the next few days just in case and hope that the OPK turns positive and that I get some EWCM. Maybe I'm just not feeling well and am starting to get a fever?

I have to stop this. What's done is done and what it's done, isn't. I won't know one way or the other until something drastic happens, so we'll see...

Annoyed but hopeful

My temp this morning was 91.89. Well, that's not exactly correct. My thermometer stored a temp of 91.89 this morning. Apparently, I was either dead on in a coma at the time I took my temperature, since the human body does not operate at that low of a temp. That said, by the time I realized it, I had been up for the morning and my temp was just not relevant. So I don't know whether my possible ovulation is turning into an actual ovulation or whether ovulation is still to come. My CM is watery which indicates a fertile period, but it only started this afternoon. I've never had watery CM before, so I don't even know if I am recording it properly.

I am not going to worry about this too much. I am going to focus on positive thoughts and keeping my stress levels down. I'm going to just pray for the best...

Trying really hard

So I wake up this morning really early (2:30 am) and I have to take my temp at that time because I am pretty sure that I won't be able to get much sleep afterward. I woke up again at 4:30 am but decided that I hadn't gotten enough sleep, so I didn't take my temp. Anyway, I look at my saved, early morning temp around 7:30 am and realize that it's 97.9 degrees. So my temp is up 2 days in a row, but I have had no signs of ovulation. I am so worried that I missed something in my fertility signs. I have been checking my CM and am taking the daily OPK tests, and so far nothing. But if my temperature is anything above 97.3 tomorrow, Fertility Friend is going to show me as having ovulated. I will be so disappointed that I missed something if that's true.

It's really quite possible that I just took my temp too early in the morning and that that is what is throwing off my numbers. Maybe all of my signs will line up appropriately, and there is no problem. Maybe there was just something weird going on this morning, and I have nothing to worry about. But if I did ovulate and just missed it, I'll be so upset. We haven't done enough this month to give ourselves the best chance for conception. And next month will be even harder because I'll be traveling during my most fertile time. So it very well may be that the next opportunity we have to conceive will be mid-January sometime!

I am going to try really hard to think positive thoughts for the rest of this week and just hope that my temps were just off this morning. It's very possible. And of course, I am going to have to make sure I can keep DH busy for the next few days just in case. Wish me luck.

Getting closer

I need to start watching what I eat again. I am getting a lot closer to ovulation, so I need to cut back on the caffeine and wine. I really can't complain about it. It's all for a good cause. But I wish I could just lose some weight before getting pregnant. However, being over 30 doesn't afford me a lot of tie to do that.

Keep your fingers crossed for me this month...

Heart racing...

I have started waking up with my heart racing again. This means that I am overly stressed. It happens to me when things at work get too crazy, and I'm not engaging the way that I should. I have so much to do and that just makes me not want to do it. DH and I had a discussion about this last night. He said we haven't been "pals" lately. I know we haven't, and I feel so badly about that. I really want to reconnect with him because I think it will be so much harder to conceive a child if we're not feeling excellent about our relationship. I also think the added stress will make it harder for my body to be receptive to a child.

I know this blog is supposed to be about conceiving, but it's turning into a lot more. All aspects of my life are going to have an impact on my ability to conceive and on my ability to be a good parent, so this isn't all for nothing. So you'll have to bear with these stories about my life outside of taking my temperature every morning.

Speaking of BBT, it is so sad that I have to take my temps at 3:30am because I usually wake up every 15 minutes between 3:30 and 6:00 (the time I actually get out of bed). I am up thinking about work, and the fact that work is stressing me, and the fact that being stressed is keeping me from sleeping, and the fact that not sleeping is adding to my stress, etc. I am praying that all of this mental noise does not prevent me from getting pregnant this month or at all. I think if i could just focus on work enough to get the bulk of my work done, I'd feel a lot better...

I have to work!

I feel so badly when I am in a busy season for work. It means that I am working 12-14 hours per day and just don't have the energy/time I would like. DH is always so annoyed when I work like this. I understand that he wants my attention, and I would like to give it to him. But I also have deadlines and am working with people who are working the same hours. I can't just stop working. I have to get things done. I try to manage my time better, but when you spend 7 hours on calls, when do you have time to do your work?

On a different note, I am eagerly awaiting ovulation. I'm hoping it happens in 8 or less days. I am trying to stay really mellow and not get too stressed. I don't want to push off ovulation because I am so keyed up.

Are we there yet?

I am at the halfway point for ovulation - or at least I would be if my cycle is similar to last month's. I am hopeful that this month's cycle will be a little shorter (28 days vs. 32 days). But as long as it's not longer, you won't get any complaints out of me. My CM is starting to change, so I think that's a good sign. It's nowhere near fertile, but it's something.

I am also really sure that next month, I'm doing the 7-stick ovulation test vs. the 20-stick test. Testing every day is so not fun. But I feel like it's worth it this month just to see if everything lines up the way I hope it will. Actually, I'm hoping things line up so well that the only test I need is a pregnancy test!

Daylight Savings Time

I love getting the extra hour of sleep but hate that it means winter is on its way. I hate winter. Don't get me wrong, winter in CA is way different than the east coast. But I've spent enough time on the east coast to know to hate winter. Even the darkness, no matter how warm it is, makes life a little less bearable. Wow...I just realized how miserable I sound. Life for me is very bearable. Enjoyable even. I guess I just get so sad when I think about December and beyond.

I'm feeling good about my chances of getting pregnant this month. I am certainly not planning on getting my hopes up. I am just excited about the journey right now, and that feels good. I know not every day will feel like this. There will be times when I am frustrated or disappointed or completely stressed out. But today is not one of those days. So here's to being positive - even when the light at the end of the tunnel fades an hour sooner...

Adding something new

So,  I found something new to help pass the time until ovulation - Ovulation Predictor Kits! I would have purchased one that only has 7 tests, as I'm pretty sure I know around when I'm supposed to ovulate. Instead, I purchased the Daily Ovulation Test, which has 20 tests. You're supposed to use it the day after AF, so I'm starting a little late, but I think I'm okay. They track the LH surge right before ovulation, so maybe it will help me from stressing DH too much until the days when it's really important. Just knowing that I can track my fertility using another method makes me feel a little more in control and a little more active about the process.

That said, I am certainly enjoying a glass of wine every other night as a consolation prize for not conceiving this past cycle...

Happy Halloween!

A whole lot of nothing

That's what this time of the month feels like - a whole lot of nada. My body is in boring phase. Well, that's not completely true. It's doing something, but just not the something I want it to be doing, which is ovulating.

I'm trying

I'm trying very hard to be a good blogger. I know no one is reading but me and maybe my future child, but it still feels important for me to write and keep up with it. But I get so tired after 8pm. And it's currently after 8pm. So I'm not particularly feeling like writing anything...

But I am going to write anyway. AF has been far from normal this week. It lasted for about 2 days, and I have no idea whether it's something to be worried about now. I'll wait to see if everything else this month is normal. And whether I get pregnant this month. If I get pregnant, I won't worry about it at all!

I think I am more frustrated about not being pregnant than I first thought. Actually, it's not that I'm frustrated, it's just that I'm so not in control of the outcome. I hate spending 2 weeks of the month worried about whether and when I'm fertile and then another 2 weeks worried about whether I've conceived. And I've only done this for one month!! I need a hobby. Seriously.

Nothing doing

I really don't have much to write about today. I did have a nice glass of wine. Actually, I've had a nice glass of wine for the past 3 nights since AF has been in town. I won't mind stopping again, but it's nice to just be able to have a yummy cab.

I've been charting religiously, but it's not as much fun as it was the first month. The newness has worn off a little. The menses phase was not too exciting the first time around either, so maybe I'll get more excited as I get closer to ovulation.

I'm praying that I can have a child. I don't have a reason to believe that I couldn't, but I've been reading the stories of women who also thought the same thing and are still trying after years of TTC. I hoped I am blessed, but if I am not, I hope that I am able to handle it with as much strength and hope as others I've read about.

Until we talk again...

So tired...

I am so tired right now. I had a good day at work, cooked some great chicken sofrito and am going to bed at a reasonable time. I can't complain. But I am really so tired. I feel like I've been bit by the sleepy bee. It's not even 9PM, and I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. Part of it was getting up at 5:30AM - not my favorite time to get up.

But, I had better get used to being tired. I'm guessing getting 7 hours of sleep will be a luxury once we have children...

I told him

I told DH about my blog. He laughed, but I think he was secretly pleased. Or at least, I hope so.

I got a certificate!

I finished my charting course on Fertility Friend and got a certificate of completion! The test asked questions from the 20 FF lessons. I am pleased that I know so much more about my fertility. I can't believe all of the stuff I didn't know...

And now it's confirmed

I'm definitely not pregnant. AF is here. The good news is I am ovulating and charting is working. I am also Matron of Honor in my best friend's wedding in December, so I am glad that I won't have to worry as much about fitting into my dress! And I get to have a glass of wine tonight!

I was also a little worried about "getting the pills" out of my system. I've read that it's not really a problem, but I am really trying to think about all of the positive sides of this. Oh, and I can really use the next two weeks to lose a little more weight and keep up with P90X. And I an think of ways to tell my husband I'm pregnant around Thanksgiving in case we get that lucky. So I really have some good stuff to do before my next fertile window.

But I am a little sad that Baby Lua didn't pick this month to join us. Sad isn't even the right word. Maybe disappointed? I trust that (s)he will show up when we're supposed to add to our family, so I know now was not the time. 
 

I tested

Not pregnant. Now I am just waiting on the official word from my body.

Things I can do next week if I'm not pregnant

• Have a glass of wine
• Get invisalign braces
• Get a massage
• Workout extra hard
• Eat something naughty (well, I do this more than I should, but I'll feel less guilty if I know I'm not pregnant)
• Eat a hot dog
• Eat a medium rare steak
• Have another glass of wine
• Enjoy some sushi
• Use my new BBT thermometer

2WW is almost over

So, I'm on day 13 of the 2 week wait. In theory, I could take another pregnancy test tomorrow. But maybe I shouldn't bother. I mean, one of two things is going to happen in the next five days

1. I'll get my period or
2. I won't

If I get my period, fine. I'll deal. If I don't, taking a test tomorrow isn't necessarily going to tell me anything since I really don't know how long my luteal phase is. (It's my first month charting since being off of the pill.) Now, if I get to next Thursday without my period, that's a whole different story - then taking the test is a lot more exciting. I just don't want to waste mental energy taking the test if I can't rely on the results yet. But you know I will probably wake up tomorrow AM and do the exact thing I am really trying hard not to do.

The first test I took was really more of a joke. I knew it wouldn't show anything either way, but I just wanted to get that first test out of the way. I have two more tests that I can take this month, so I want to use them wisely.

Still no signs...

I'm at 17 points on the Fertility Friend Pregnancy Monitor. 17 out of 100. I know. I shouldn't think about it. But if I have to spend the next 12 months doing this, I had better get some hobbies. Obsessing about my stats is taking up so much of my mental energy. I'll feel better obsessing about getting ready for a baby when I am pregnant. But right now, I'm making myself crazy about something that might not even happen. That's the hardest part of it all. I just don't want to get my hopes up if it's not meant to be.

But please let it be meant to be...

Oh brother

I am so not motivated. I am having a much better day today, so I don't feel too badly. I am procrastinating a little bit though. I should be focused on the 47 things on my to do list, but instead I am looking at some of the baby blogs I'm interested in reading. So far, I've read about maternity clothes, first trimester screening and ways to discipline a toddler. Clearly these aren't things that should be top of mind. Perhaps I should consider just focusing on the 304 items in my e-mail inbox.

My head hurts

I am so stress-able. This is so bad for Baby Lua. I wish I weren't so obsessive about work, but I am. How can I get better at this? I sit here and stress about all of the things I need to get done and all the messages I need to send. This kind of thinking paralyzes me. I just obsess about all the things I should be doing instead of actually doing them. And then I get so angry with myself because I know I should be doing more than thinking. I make myself sick sometimes.

I am like 75% type-A. I do all the stressing and need for control, but I feel like I am missing something, namely the ambitiousness/competitiveness that gets things done. Instead of working like a madman, I just freeze up. I hate this about myself more than anything.

I worry that this will make me a very bad parent. What if I can't work up the mental energy to do all the things a mom is supposed to do to raise a healthy, happy child? You can't just put off changing a diaper, or taking the baby out to play. You can't put off doctor's appointments or extend naps. You have to be present for your child. But what if all I do is stress...about the baby, about work (or going back to work) or one of the number of things I tend to worry about? Or what if stress out so much that I can't even get pregnant?! You'd think that would make me stress less, but instead, it makes me stress out even more.

Okay, I just need to relax..

I cheated

I took a test. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. It was negative (of course). The bad thing is it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I took it way too early. So it could mean that I'm not pregnant or that I am. Great. I'm still feeling queasy and don't know why. I am going to assume that the test was negative because I'm not pregnant, and wait until my fertility friend testing date to try again. Or at least that's the plan. I may get greedy and try again on Saturday, which was my original decision. I just can't believe I cheated.

Well, I can believe it. I was in a good mood and feeling positive about life. That's why I felt like maybe I should just go ahead and take the test. Thankfully the test didn't get my spirits down. But it would have been nice to see a positive.

I know it's too early, but...

I love this Maria diaper bag from Mia Bossi. My best friend introduced me to the designer, and I fell in love with this bag. Thankfully it's not the same one she loves! I am pretty simple, so this simple design works for me.

Combatting Stress

I hate being stressed. I am a worrywart by nature, so I am usually stressed out. Today counts. Things at work are going haywire, partially because of me. I am such a procrastinator and a not great delegator. If I were better at delegating stuff, I could get some work off of my plate. Instead, I hold onto things until the last minute and then either try to do them myself, or give them to someone else without as much time for them to finish it. I just hate giving other people work to do - even my husband. (However, I find it easier to ask him to do thing than anyone else.)

As you can tell, work is something I spend a lot of time thinking about - even if I don't spend enough time doing it. I just have obsessive thoughts about a few items: work, getting pregnant and cooking (although not in that order). I'm done talking about work for now, so I'll move on to the point of this blog - talking about Baby Lua. I am not sure Baby Lua is in the works this month. I have been getting some slight cramps, similar to those I get before my period. The Pregnancy Monitor on Fertility Friend also has me at 25 points, so instead of my chances increasing, they're decreasing.

I am oddly okay with this. It's not that I don't want Baby Lua to get here as soon as possible. It's just that if Baby Lua wants to show up next month, that means I can have a few glasses of wine and get some dental work done. I'd gladly trade in wine and straight teeth for a son or daughter, but at least I have something to look forward to if Baby Lua decides now is not the time. I also have a few more weeks of possibly losing weight. I have been really trying to follow the exercise portion of the P90X program, so my health isn't getting worse. I haven't been following the eating portion, but DH and I try to eat reasonably six days out of the week. I am not really losing weight, but I am not putting any on either. Instead, I am slowly converting fat to muscle as shown by my bodyfat%. My BMI is still a little high, but at least I am more muscular.

Possible Implantation Dip

I'm on Tamiflu. I may have had H1N1, which isn't the most amazing thing ever. But, it makes me feel a litle better about not writing for a few days. I was really miserable for a while there. I'm still really congested, but I am not achy and tired like I was earlier.

But the real story today is the possible implantation dip that showed up on my chart. My temp was 98.3 two nights ago, 97.9 one night ago, and back to 98.3 last night. Now, if I can keep up the 98.3 temp or go higher, that might be a good sign. The Fertility Friend Pregnancy Monitor only has me at 36 points, but that could go up between now and my test date. My ticker from the Bump says I have 6 days until testing, but I have 11 days until testing at Fertility Friend. I am going to try my best to hold out until the 29th so I don't waste a test. But there is a real possibility that I may test once on the 24th or 25th as well. AF is scheduled to show up on the 25th, so maybe I'll hold out until then. It's hard to wait, though. But I know that testing early doesn't necessarily provide you with a real answer, so I am really, really going to try to hold out.

Instead of testing, I am going to just pay really close attention to my signs. I've been getting nauseous every day, but I know that's because of the Tamiflu. That stuff makes my stomach hurt. My breasts aren't tender. I've been tired, but that could be because I've been sick. I have to go to the bathroom a lot, but it's because of all the extra fluids I've been drinking. So I can't really say I feel very pregnant. But then again, I wouldn't "be" very pregnant either, so I shouldn't expect any symptoms.

One last, unrelated story.  My DH was using my computer last night and saw the link for this blog in my history page. He didn't click on the link when I was sitting there, but he did comment on it. I have a feeling he's going to pull up this page on his own time sometime soon. I hope he doesn't, as I want to share this with him when I'm ready. I couldn't be super mad at him though - it's a blog, so the general assumption would be that I don't care who reads it. And that's true - as long as I remain anonymous. So DH, if you're reading this, stop now and come talk to me. It's not that I don't want you to read it. It's that I want you to read it when I'm ready to have you engage. Reading this is kind of like reading my journal, and I know you wouldn't do that. I love you! (And for the record, there's nothing in here about you that's bad.)

Fertility Friend Pregnancy Monitor

Today the Fertility Friend website gave me a "score" on the likelihood of my being pregnant based on signs other pregnant women have input into the system. I currently score 37 out of 100 points. I can't put too much weight on this one way or another. I know it's not definitive, and I am potentially so early into pregnancy that I would be surprised if any signs showed up. So 37 out of 100 on day 5 seems to be pretty good in that light.

I am not worried too much about whether I am pregnant today. If it's supposed to happen, it will. I would love to meet Baby Lua in 9 months, but if it has to be 10 months or 20 months from now, I will be okay. And if Baby Lua isn't meant to be, I know I'll find a way to deal with that. But I'm hoping that a happy, healthy Baby Lua is in our future. DH would be so happy if I were to tell him I were pregnant, as would I...

Feeling Better

Wow - I can't tell you how much better I feel now. I'm still congested and exhausted, but my temperature is normal, and I no longer have the chills. I felt awful yesterday and was so miserable. It took all my energy to talk, much less get out of bed. But I used yesterday as a test. I figure when Baby Lua is here, I'll have to take care of him or her no matter how sick I am. So, while I was having chills and getting a higher fever, I decided to make short ribs so my DH would have something to eat when he got home. This required about 30 minutes of active preparation (browning the ribs, cutting up vegetables, making the broth, etc.). I was hurting pretty badly, but I pushed through. In my delerium, I forgot to add salt and pepper during one part of the process, but it all worked out. The ribs were still pretty good, and now I know I can push through being sick when I put my mind to it. But it certainly wasn't easy.

I hate being sick!

I suppose that's no different from anyone else, but I really hate being sick. Yesterday afternoon, I opened the doors just to get a little fresh air into the house. About 20 minutes later, I started sneezing uncontrollably. That continued until I took some Benadryl before going to bed. Then I proceeded to wake up every 2 hours or so because I couldn't breathe and my throat was killing me. Then this morning, I wake up to a low fever which continued to climb over the course of the day until it reached 100.5. I finally took some Tylenol, and that has helped the fever. But my body aches, and I just feel so run down. I am pretty sure I have some version of the flu. If my fever shoots up again, I may just go to the doctor. However, I'm not really sure they are going to be able to do anything, especially if this isn't the swine flu. My temperature just doesn't seem high enough.

What's funny is I really fought taking the Benadryl and the Tylenol because I am not sure whether I am pregnant yet. I read that Benadryl and Tylenol are okay for pregnant women, but I just don't want to do anything dangerous. DH thinks I am maybe worried too much, but I'd rather worry now. The last thing I want to do is hurt Baby Lua. I'd be willing to suck up being sick if I knew it would be better for the baby. That said, I really don't know whether I'm pregnant. But better safe than sorry, right?

Am I crazy for worrying about this so much? I  found myself worrying that being sick right now may prevent my getting pregnant because my body will realize its not feeling well and may decide now is not the best time. I will totally understand if this is the case, but why couldn't I have gotten sick 2 weeks prior, well before ovulation!?! I know, I know - there's nothing I can do about it. I'll just suck it up and keep a carton of tissues close at hand.

If October is the month...

I am going to tell my DH that I'm pregnant on Halloween. I'm thinking of doing something with the Trick or Treat theme. I could buy a card that says something like

Trick or Treat
Rub my feet
Give me something gross to eat

Are you confused?
I'll tell you why -
Baby Lua in July

Don't worry - I'm not married to the idea. It's just something I thought about this morning as I was thinking about the possibility that I am actually pregnant right now. I'm sure there will be several other posting ideas over time...

Ovulation Elation

Whoo hoo! My temp was 98.0 degrees this AM and that was enough to have Fertility Friend confirm ovulation for me. It looks like this past Saturday was the day and we've timed intercourse well enough to get a "good" score from the site. This means we've done what we could to help bring Baby Lua into the world, so now it's out of our hands. I am going to continue to take care of myself by working out and watching what I eat. (And by trying to stay happy and calm although that's hard sometimes.) Other than that's, I am just going to have to wait about 2 weeks to know something one way or another.

Since this is my first month off of the pill, and my first month charting, Fertility Friend is recommending that I wait until the 29th of October to test. I will try to wait that long for the first test but no promises. The good news is if I had to wait that long before AF arrived, that would be a good sign that I am pregnant. So part of me wants to wait it out. However, I also think I may just take one test when my ticker from the Bump says to take a test (on October 24th) if AF doesn't arrive before then. This way, if I test negative, I'll be pretty sure that I'm not pregnant and if I test positive, I'll know to stay vigilant. I can already see that I'll be spending quite a bit on pregnancy tests at this point. 

Mondays are not awesome

I don't like Mondays. I don't think this has always been the case - I'm guessing it started with my second week of kindergarten. (My first week I just didn't know what to expect.) Mondays have always been the hardest day for me. It's the idea that I have a whole week ahead of me full of potential headache and heart attacks. But that said, this particular Monday isn't awful. Some meetings got canceled and I am free after 1 PM my time. My manager is also on vacation, so that also frees up some time for me to catch up on everything I've been putting off.

I am looking forward to tomorrow.  If my temp stays the same or goes up just slightly, I will have confirmed ovulation and the countdown to testing officially begins. I am keeping my fingers crossed as I really hope to confirm that I am ovulating now that I am off birth control. I'll be even more excited if it turns out that I am pregnant, but I need to take it one day at a time. First things first...

One other thing I have been thinking about - what do I tell DH when I find out. I don't want give him the pregnancy test. I am really going to try to be more creative than that. I am also struggling with what to tell my mom and best friends. And then there's the Facebook posting that we'll have to come up with as well. I have a few ideas, but I'll share more when I actually have something to tell people. I don't want to put the cart too far ahead of the horse.

Is it getting hot in here?

My temperature is going up - I hope this means that I am well on my way to showing proof of ovulation. I have been forecasting some temperatures in Fertility Friend to see when my chart would show ovulation assuming my temps keep going up. If I can get two more increases, Tuesday would be the day. I am going to try to keep my excitement down because I know I could very well have an anovulatory cycle. But I am still going to hope for the best.

On a completely unrelated note, I love the weekends, but Sunday night makes me crazy. I get so anxious about all of the things that I didn't do that I was supposed to do. I worry about the meetings I have on Monday. And I know that the next weekend is so far away...I really think that if I could just be the kind of person that followed a schedule, I would be so much happier.

Waiting...

I don't know how I am going to pass the time until I actually conceive a child (If I am lucky enough to do so). But then I think about all of the women who have been trying for month and years. And the women who will never be able to have children. Or who are waiting to adopt. And then I take a deep breath, and put everything into perspective. I haven't been trying for a full month. So I have to find a way to keep my anxiety down. I don't want to obsess about having a baby. I want to be obsessive about my health and about being smart. But I don't want to go crazy about something I can't control.

No one knows that I am writing this. I haven't even told DH about this blog. I'm not really sure why. I not writing about anything secret. In fact, I think DH cares as much about this as I do. I guess just want to keep this for me right now. I think he might think that I am obsessing about Baby Lua. In a lot of ways, that's definitely true. I want to meet Baby Lua! But I don't think it's an unhealthy obsession. I am not losing sleep. I am able to function normally. That said, I am trying to do everything in my power to make Baby Lua's entry into the world happen as quickly and as awesomely as possible. I am working out, trying to eat well and taking my prenatal vitamins religiously. And as much as I miss red wine, I am going to stay away until I am breastfeeding or until I am confirmed unable to have a child.

I also wouldn't mind having twins. DH and I both want at least two children, but given the fact that I am over 30, I think 2 is really the limit for me. That's why having twins is attractive. I hope that I don't have to have any fertility treatments, but if I do, the potential of having twins is at least a plus.

Go EWCM!!

My fertility signs are all giving me the green light to try to conceive! I could barely contain my excitement. It's the first time since I've been charting that I really had clear signs that my body is actually planning on cooperating with my mind. Now, I just need my temps to increase over the next couple of days, and I will at least have confirmed that I had something that resembled ovulation. (I'm thinking I might not share this particular post with Baby Lua - It seems like it's a little much.)

As soon as I realized I was fertile, I ran downstairs to tell DH. He laughed at me, but he was clearly excited as well. We're going to try to have a nice date night (which is our regular Friday activity) and just relax. The one thing we don't want to do is get all caught up in the baby-making and forget about the love part. I don't want us so focused on having a baby that we lose each other in the process.

On a related note, I love Fertility Friend (www.fertilityfriend.com). I am on the site a few times a day just to track my information. The tools there are so helpful - reading through everything and taking the daily lessons make me feel like I do have some control, or at that I can influsence my odds of getting pregnant, even if only slightly.

Anyway, I have a busy work day ahead of me. I am on calls for the majority of the day and then have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. But at least I have the excitement that we might conceive this weekend to keep my spirits high. TGIF!!!!

Having a Great DH Helps

DH is home from a work-related trip, and while I was driving him home, he put his hand on my belly and said "how's 'Me'". "Me" is his nickname for Baby Lua. I laugh whenever he says that as I think the name is closer to "We" than "Me", but DH is so cute, so I let him get away with it. He knows that the chances of my being pregnant are slim, but I think it's his way of being excited about having a child. I give him a hard time every once in a while, but I think he's wonderful. It's so awesome to have a partner in this process. It makes life so much easier.

DH and I felt a connection from the first time we met. It's been so much fun being married. (We tied the knot this year.) I know it won't always be all fun and games, but I am going to enjoy the good times. We have only known one another for about two years, but we're both over 30 and feel pretty good about our lives prior to having met one another. I think that's important because we both felt like we were ready to settle down and start a family and not feel like there was all this "stuff" we had left to do. We've both been a lot places, have great careers and done a lot of crazy things in life. (Maybe I'll write about some of those crazy things sometime.

I don't think I'll ever get traffic to this blog, and that's how I like it. I am a pretty private person, so in some ways, it's surprising that I started this blog anyway. But I'm trying to keep enough stuff anonymous just in case anyone does happen to land on this site. I have always had this dream of writing things other people wanted to read, so I guess that's why I haven't hidden this blog from the world. But I am also well aware that over time, I will probably share some stories close to my heart. Therefore, for now, I'll keep some stuff private.

That said, I've decided that I am going to try to write as often as possible as if I am writing to you, Baby Lua. It's so much easier for me to write to someone special rather than writing to a general audience. I really, really hope that one day DH and I can bring you to life! We love you already!

Tired

I am one of those people who gets incredibly fatigued during times of stress. When things go crazy, I get sleepier and sleepier. I think I've trained myself to be this way because I used to be get so stressed out I couldn't sleep at night. Without sleep, my life just gets worse. So I thought it would be better if in times of stress I could still hold onto one thing that would help me keep some level of sanity. That's my eight hours of rest. Now, it doesn't completely work - I typically wake up every three hours or so. And I can't turn it off when I wake up. That means that I am exhausted for a good portion of the day as well. But at least I'm not worried about having a heart attack or anything like that.

What am I so stressed about? Well, work is driving me crazy. Not because work is crazy, but as I mentioned before, I am a procrastinator, so things sometimes catch up with me and I need to get a lot done in a small amount of time. But that's not the only thing. I am worried that I am not charting my BBT correctly. Because I don't sleep through the night, I end up charting around 4 AM, to give me the best chance of having three hours of sleep. I usually wake up for good around 5:30 AM, so if I charted then, I would only have 45-60 minutes of sleep.  So, I have been taking my temps in the early AM and just haven't seen any discernible pattern yet. I had a couple of erratic temps, and that's why my chart is off. But until I get confirmation that I ovulated, I guess I'll have to try my best to keep my stress in check. Since this is my first month of charting and my first month off of the pill, I just want to make sure that I am actually ovulating. I'd be elated if we were able to conceive this month, but if all I learn is I have a regular cycle with ovulation, I'll be happy.

Working Out

Okay, I am the first to admit I hate going to the gym (or even going upstairs for that matter). I am just not super excited about working up a sweat. I'd rather cook or read or stare into space. That said, I know getting in better shape can only be good for Baby Lua, so I have started working out on the P90X program. It's going well so far. I've completed my second week and if nothing else, I feel really good about the fact that I've completed two weeks. I'm more flexible and I know my muscles are getting stronger. I am not following the eating portion. DH and I try to just eat sensibly for 6 days of the week and use day 7 to get our cravings out of the way. It seems to work (i.e. we aren't gaining any weight).

It's just so hard to stick to a routine sometimes when you're tired or just want to be doing something else. I know I am always looking for reasons to not do something that I feel is boring or hard. However, now that I am really trying to focus on having a child, I am somehow finding the energy to do things I would have had a hard time doing before. I keep reminding myself that this will be good for me and therefore would be good for the baby. I just wish I didn't need that external reminder/push to do things. Why can't I just be one of those people who have all of this internal motivation to get things done? My DH certainly does. I envy that about him. He just knows what he has to do and gets it done. I'm hoping that some of that will rub off on me. Even now, I am sitting here procrastinating. I have a bunch of things to finish for work and for my personal life, but instead I am sharing my thoughts with anyone who will listen about how I know I need to be doing something else. I'm such a classic procrastinator.

The funny thing is, as long as I am working on something (e.g. sharing my thoughts via this blog, which is an accomplishment in itself), I feel like I am being productive. In some ways, I think it's worse than doing nothing because I am psyching myself into a false sense of achievement. It will all catch up with me someday. But for now, I'm happy hitting the "Publish Post" button and moving forward one goal - documenting my life as I work towards becoming a mother.

The TTC Ticker

I love the little tickers I find all over the web. They make me smile. I also feel like I have more control over things because I have a "to do" in 15 days. I think it makes not being able to completely control when (or even whether) I get pregnant.

Is it November Already?

No, I guess it's not. But DH and I made a decision over the weekend to start TTC now! We're both really feeling good about where we are in life and with each other and figured another month wasn't going to make the difference either way, so why not start now?! The decision was well-timed - I'm hoping to receive good news in the next couple of weeks. But if not, it's okay. I know our chances to conceive in any given month are pretty small, so I don't want to get too worked up - especially since this is our first time trying.

That said, I thought I would be completely psycho about my eating once we made the decision, but that hasn't happened. I do make sure to avoid any caffeine, and I stopped drinking as soon as we made the decision to try. (I am going to miss my red wines!!) But I really thought I would start watching every little morsel that went into my mouth. Instead, I just find that I try not to eat anything I know wouldn't be good for a baby. Now, this is 2 days into our decision, so how many food changes can I really talk about making? But it's nice to know that I am at least thinking about the right kinds of things.

So, wish us luck! And if no baby this time around, at least we are having fun trying.

November is swiftly approaching

We've decided that we are going to actively try to conceive our child beginning in November. I can't believe how excited and anxious I am at the same time. DH and I are recently married and wanted to spend some time together as a couple before adding to our family. But now we feel ready (whatever that means).

So...I have begun charting my fertility stats to increase our chances of conceiving sooner rather than later. I felt a little odd at first, because I really felt like getting pregnant is something that would just happen. But I've read enough books, magazines, website and blogs to know that it doesn't always work that way. I'm over 30 now, so I am going to need all the help I get. I know there are women much older than I who have no fertility issues and women younger that do. So I don't want to take any chances.

Welcome

I am new to blogging but certainly not new to telling the stories of my life to anyone who wants to listen. I am writing the story of my journey to motherhood. My hope is that one day I can share this blog with my future son or daughter (aka the future Baby Lua).