Can't wait until tomorrow

I'm not looking forward to work, but I am looking forward to another blood test! I am getting my HCG and Progesterone checked tomorrow AM. I have to hold some time on my calendar to answer the call from my doctor - although I'm pretty sure I have a full day tomorrow anyway.

I haven't really been having any symptoms. I have nausea sometimes and am getting increasingly tired, but that's about it. I also occasionally have some cramps but not too badly. However, I have been running around crazy with baby on the brain. I am just so excited. I haven't been able to get any work done - I've just been planning for the baby. I have books, spreadsheets, checklists and calendars. I am just so excited. I can't wait to meet Baby Lua.

Well, I have to try to get something done tonight - even if it's just a list of things that I need to do tomorrow. Because there sure are a lot of them.  The good news is I'm not temping or charting anymore. Now that I know I'm definitely pregnant, there is no need to continue. But I charted long enough to know that my temp did stay up through the expected start date of my period, so I will be able to test this next time around.

I'm thankful for: A good night's sleep. I definitely plan on getting one tonight! And BTW, I did blog more this month than last!

First test results

My HCG was 227 and my progesterone was 26! Both good, solid numbers. I was happy when the doctor called, although I already know I was pregnant. The bad news is I have to "take it easy" for the next 12 weeks - which includes no sex and no exercise. I am going to wait until I have the chance to actually sit down with the doctor to discuss this is in more detail. DH refused to let me work out before the appointment and now that the doctor said I can't do much, he's really on top of me to relax.

It's funny. I don't consider myself to be a high-risk pregnancy. But I'll follow the doctor's orders until I get the chance to sit down with him and really understand why he thinks I need to follow this course of action.

I get my blood taken again on Tuesday morning. I'm looking for my HCG to be 575 or greater. It could be as high as 900 if it's doubling every 48 hours. Either way, I think I can get my first ultrasound by Friday!! I can't wait to see the first heartbeat, but that may not happen that soon. But seeing the yolk sac will be exciting and comforting. I can't wait to see the baby for the first time!!

I'm thankful for: Having a life growing inside of me. It's so awesome and humbling and wonderful.

255 Days - So excited!!!

It hasn't sunk in yet. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I tested again this morning - another digital "pregnant"!! PREGNANT! P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T! I'm so excited, so happy, so elated, so nervous...but so happy!!!

I was on my way to ordering Follistim AQ and Pregynl for an IUI process starting on June 1. I just finished injection class on Tuesday. I was ready to order my injectables for $800+. We were going to go through with it. Seriously. But...

I woke up at 3:30 AM to take my temp and use the restroom. My temp was 98.42 - a little higher than average, but nothing to get worked up over. It was 10 DPO, and I figured since I was up, I may as well take a pregnancy test to get the first test of the cycle out of my system. I had secretly hidden a non-digi test in the bathroom but didn't use it and went for a digital. I figured that if it were a BFN, I would get my need for a test out of the way, but I wouldn't feel badly when it said "not pregnant" because I know digis aren't as sensitive.

I peed on the stick, put the cap on, stuck it back in its wrapper and got in bed. I laid there and almost fell asleep for a few minutes. About 3 minutes had passed, so I grabbed my iPhone (for the light) and looked the screen. It read pregnant.

Wait...what? Pregnant?! I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, turned on the light to make sure I read it correctly. Pregnant! I walked out of the bathroom in a daze and got back in bed. I tried waking my husband, but he was pretty sick and didn't stir. So I turned on my computer and started writing to people on BabyCenter.

About 10 minutes later, DH starts stirring, so I start typing loudly and fidgeting quite a bit. He finally wakes up and says "why are you up?" I said "wanna see"? So he turns over, and I'm holding the pregnancy test in the light of the computer and he looks so confused at first. But then, it dawns on him, and I can't even explain the smile that came on his face. He just lit up. We started hugging and smiling and laughing. It was perfect.

So, that's the story. He immediately bought "what to get when you're expecting" on his iPad, and I called my best friend and my mom. He took a picture of a onesie I bought with his favorite college team and sent it to a few of his closest friends.

It's been 24 hours, and I've already taken another test. "Pregnant"! I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow AM to get a blood test. I am going to stick with him for the first 12 weeks. That means I get a blood test every other day until my HCG level reaches 1,000, then I get my first ultrasound. From then on, I get an ultrasound every week until the second trimester, when I get turned over to my regular OB/GYN. I'm still a little torn as to whether I want to go this route. I love the idea of constant monitoring, but I don't know whether it really makes sense. But I'll fill you in tomorrow.

I'm thankful for: A positive pregnancy test!!! It's what we've been praying for!

May 26, 2010

I'm pregnant!

2DPO

Nothing new to report here. I am waiting for my crosshairs on Fertility Friend, but I know I'll see them tomorrow.

DH got his DNA test results from the doctor yesterday. Everything was normal. So he's been cleared for timed intercourse through IVF. So if we're not getting pregnant, it's due to something with me. So far, I have no idea what that something is other than a potential thyroid issue. I'm just hoping that the synthroid has made my thyroid less of an issue and that we're going to see a positive pregnancy test in about 10 days or so.

I am going to try not to test until testing day. So far, testing earlier has just not led to anything but more tests. Testing early doesn't make me any more pregnant. But I do get test fever. But we'll see what happens. This won't be the first month I've tried to hold out, but maybe it will be the last month I need to try.

I'm thankful for: Grey's Anatomy. It looks like it's going to be so good this week!

Good planning

Whoo hoo - I am not having an anovulatory cycle. Today is most likely O day. I was worried because I usually ovulate on day 11 or 12, but day 15 isn't bad and it's not the first time. I was a little worried because I know I have been stressed. But I'm much happier now that I know I'm still ovulating the way I'm supposed to.

I called my doctor last week for a few things. First, DH wanted me to find out about medications or injectables with timed intercourse. And I wanted to find out whether we were prepared for IUI given all of the testing we went through. I have to call again because I need to know whether they are going to be able to refill my prescription and to find out how I am going to get the fertility medications since they can't be dispensed by a pharmacy. (How ridiculous is that?!)

I'm thankful for: Another day. It's always something to be thankful for...

Still on the road

I have been sleeping in a different bed every night since Wednesday. So over a week of packing, traveling, working, sleeping, packing...It's not the most awesome thing ever. I'm tired and annoyed but I am hanging out in the Four Seasons, so it's not that bad.

I have nothing interesting to report on the TTC front. Well, that's not completely true. DH and I argued about IUI again. I'll write more some other time, but the main point is I am going to call the RE and ask about doing Clomid or injectables for a month or two (or more). If he says it's feasible, then we'll do it. I'm not happy, but I'm not really upset either. We just feel so differently. I want a child quickly; he wants it naturally. 

So, I haven't even entered High fertility yet according to my monitor. I hope this isn't a sign that I am going to have an anovulatory cycle. I'm trying not to get to worked up, but it's hard.

I'm thankful for: Hotels. It is nice to get away from home sometime.

Stopping By

I can't write a lot today. I am traveling and have TONS of work to do before going to work in the morning. So the question is what should I be talking about?

Let's start off with the eating, since it's on my mind. I haven't been eating well. I thought I would be, but I'm not. Instead, I've been eating all of this junk for no good reason. Just mindless eating. And I've been hating myself. I look in the mirror and am disgusted. And that just makes me want to eat more because I'm so upset. It's a vicious cycle. the unhappier I get, the more I eat. The more I eat, the more disgusted I get with myself. The more disgusted I get with myself, the unhappier I get. And it starts again. I have to find some way out of this sometime soon. Or I am going to hate myself and my husband is going to be very disappointed.

On to the baby stuff. I'm on CD 8 and not in my high fertility time yet. I haven't had any symptoms one way or another. I feel fine and am just waiting for my CM to change or to see an increase in my fertility stats on my CBEFM. I'm expecting so see something in the next 2-3 days.

But related to that is DH's request to know more about medicated (Clomid or Injectables) with timed intercourse. He says he's just asking for information, but he also has said a few times that he really would prefer not to go down the IUI route. So I am trying really hard not to be upset. I understand that no one wants to make a baby through assisted reproductive techniques, but it is what it is. I just want to try the most cost-effective thing we can try given that we clearly aren't doing any of this on our own. I get that he wants to do this "naturally", but I don't want to keep trying and not getting results. Part of me just wants to say "fine" and try to get the doctor to let us do timed intercourse with drugs. This would avoid the potential fight and would at least make me feel like we were doing something more than what we're doing now. But I would feel like we're wasting yet another month when we could be doing something with a higher likelihood of success. I'm not saying it wouldn't work, but I am saying why do something with an x% chance of getting pregnant, when we can afford to do something with x+y% chance of getting pregnant. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Well, that's not completely true. I understand why he wants to minimize the "assistance". Everybody wants to conceive the old-fashioned way I would imagine. But I also understand that the science of it all says that IUI makes more sense in our situation and that's enough for me. For him, the science is sort of the problem. He just wants to conceive a child in a bed like the majority of the population. There's no winning or losing here. Just 2 different approaches to a problem.

I do feel like I've compromised. I wanted to start IUI fast, but I knew he didn't want to, so we decided next cycle would be it. But now he's revisiting it. And he can say he's "just asking" all day long. He's only "just asking" because he'd prefer to not do an IUI next month. I know he will do it, and I love him for that. But I just wish he would accept that IUI is the best thing for us medically and move on. But I suppose he wishes that I would accept that timed intercourse with drugs is the best thing for him mentally. So we're kind of between a rock and a hard places.

Well, off to work. I'll keep you informed.

I'm thankful for: Always being able to get a good night's rest. I wouldn't be much fun if I were an insomniac.

Not directly about TTC

I am not going to write about trying to conceive today. But just as an update, I'm on CD3 with nothing new to report.

Today, I am going to write about my health. I have to fight for it. I have to. I have a problem. I didn't really realize it until yesterday, but I know I have a problem now. It's an issue with food. I admit this. I think about it way more than the average person. My DH can attest to that. I think about what I'm going to eat on the weekend on Monday. I think about the next opportunity I'm going to have to "cheat" on my diet. What thing can we celebrate, what restaurant can I talk him into going to? It's an odd obsession.

I don't know when this started. I don't think I was always this way. But I do know why I am this way now. It's something I have complete control over. It gives me pleasure to eat something sweet and rich, even if only for a minute. I know I can buy or bake something and all is well for the time I am eating it. I know I'll feel bad afterward. I know I'll look in the mirror or get on the scale and hate what I've done. I know I'll try to remember the sick feeling in my stomach so that the next time I'm tempted, I won't eat.  And I know I won't remember it. Or I will remember it, but it won't matter. I just want that moment or two of sugar.

So back to why - Instead of getting pleasure out of normal things, I've placed a good deal of energy in getting pleasure out of things I can control. This way I can't be disappointed. You'd think I'd control my body then, but I don't get pleasure out of the exercise, and I'm so far away from where I'd like to be with my weight that I don't think about my body as a potential source of "controllable pleasure". It's so sad. If I could obsess about my weight the way I do about a really good cupcake, I'd look like a rockstar.

But the real question is what am I going to do about it. Seriously. I can't live like this. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to my husband. And it's not going to be remotely good for my children. I can't have a child with an overweight, binge eating mother. My husband shouldn't have to settle for a wife who is so selfish that she won't take care of herself so she can eat whatever she wants. And I shouldn't have to settle for being less than what I can be.

This is actually a bigger issue. I am always settling for less than I can be because I don't want to risk not being able to be more. It's crazy. I am more of a perfectionist that I thought.

So back to what I am going to do about it. I am going to admit that I have a problem. I just told my husband, so there's no going back now. I have a problem. The next step for me is to pray about it. Over and over. And then I have to get better one day at a time. I am going to take it one step at a time. One meal at a time.

I'm thankful for: Admitting when I need help. I hate to do it. I want to be completely self-sufficient. But I'm not.

Hopeful

I want today to be a good day. I really do. It's 4:30 AM, and I'm up and ready to get some work done. Now, I should have gotten some work done yesterday, but instead I slept most of the day and stuffed my face the rest of it. I was feeling so awful. But I'm paying for it now with a stomachache and will probably be paying for it the next few weeks with the extra weight gain. I really want to lose weight, but the occasional binge-eating makes that really hard.

TTC is hard. I know it shouldn't be, but it has been for me. Not the act of making love, but all of the work we've put in around it. I mean, look at all the women who just "end up" pregnant. It should just be a natural part of life. Instead, I'm taking temps, peeing on things, chugging cough medicine, researching all kinds of old wives tales, etc. I just don't think it's supposed to be this involved. Part of me wants to stop it all this last cycle, but I'll hate not knowing for sure that I ovulated or when my best testing day is. None of it "hurts" me. In some ways, it gives me something to do. But on the other hand, it is a little stressful.

I don't know. I think I am in a little bit of a funk. I'm always a little down when my husband isn't home. And I'm always a little down when I realize that I'm not pregnant. And I'm always a little down when I get closer to my birthday. So I have to cut myself some slack here. I just wish I were in a better mood. Seriously.

I'm thankful for: Having the energy to get up early to work. Usually, when I can't sleep, I lay in bed for hours. This morning, I got right out of bed and started my day. Part of this is because DH isn't here, so I don't have an excuse to stay in the bed. But part of it is I want to try to make the most of today so that I can feel better about myself. I always feel much better when I'm productive.

Tough Day - oh and CD1

Today was tough. I don't really have a reason to point to. My husband is wonderful, I have great friends, my family loves me. But I'm just down today. I don't feel well. I haven't been feeling well lately. Just general malaise. I'm super exhausted. I sleep for 8-9 hours, and still take naps during the day. I have cramps today, so that's part of it too. My stomach hurts, from eating cupcake tops. Which I shouldn't have been eating, but I sometimes can't control myself. I am starting another cycle. The last cycle before we have to go down the IUI route.

Okay, I am not going to sit here an beat myself up anymore. I am just going to go to bed and try again tomorrow.

And I am going to write more this month - I don't like that the number of my blog entries has been going down each month. I'm not going to commit to writing every day, but I am sure going to try. Even with all of the traveling I am going to be doing this month - yet another reason why I am feeling incredibly stressed and unhappy...

I'm thankful for: Sprinkles cupcakes. They are so tasty...