The full moon is coming

I am one of those people who is totally convinced that the full moon affects people, and this month is no exception. I am starting to feel the "crazies" coming on and everyone around me seems to be crazy too. Even though I had a few days off for Thanksgiving, I still feel like I'm right back at "super stressed" at work. I just can't wait for my busy season to be over!

Okay, okay. I know I am always talking about my job. You wonder if I think about anything else. Well, I do. Today was day three of EWCM. I have no clue what that's about. Don't get me wrong, I am totally excited about it. I am looking forward to BD'ing with DH tonight. But it's so different from the past two months. I guess it's because I was getting off of the pill, so my body was going through an adjustment period. But I certainly hope that going forward, my body is so clear about what's going on with it.

Actually, I hope that going forward I won't have to worry about ovulation any more because I'll be pregnant. Ahh, one can hope, right?

Hoping my body is cooperating

I am having a really good day mentally. The 4 days off for Thanksgiving has allowed me to de-stress about life in general, so I think I can go into December feeling good. And that's important because the last 31 days of 2009 are going to be incredibly busy ones. As I mentioned, I will be leaving the country for a few days on vacation with my best friends and her best friends - I'm hoping the sun and relaxed atmosphere will help keep me calm. However, this is supposed to be happening during my most fertile phase, which is why I am really psyched about the 2 days of EWCM I've had so far. Then I'm back east for a week, back west for a week, and then back east AGAIN for a week. I would love to make that last 2009 trip back east with a bun in the oven...

The CBEFM is still only giving me a "high' reading, but it looks like I may be getting closer to a peak reading because I see a really faint line coming in on the left side, which I believe measures the LH surge. You can't see it in the picture below,  but you can see the right side getting lighter, which represents increasing estrogen from what I can tell.

BTW, can I just say that I am truly enjoying the CBEFM! I know I don't "need" it, but being a control freak, I truly enjoy the ability to have some kind of test that has results I can take action on. It's not that getting pregnant is another item on a to do list. But I am so excited and worried about it at the same time, that it helps to have something to do about it.

My DH thinks I am spending too much time thinking about getting pregnant (and spending too much money on stuff like my monitor). He's probably right, but I think only good things come of my investment in getting pregnant. It means I am preparing myself and being positive, which can only help things. Since the "newness" of trying to get pregnant is no longer there, I am in a nice, healthy routine. I read, I write, and I occasionally reach out to others anonymously for support or to provide it. I look at baby stuff once in a while, but I really spend the bulk of my time on TTC board/websites just to prevent myself from putting the cart too far ahead of the horse. Of course, I occasionally enjoy some future daydreaming (e.g. my mia bossi diaper bag entry). But I really want to save that stuff until we have conceived Baby Lua. Then I'll feel justified looking at all the baby stuff I want.

Until then, I just want to put all my positive energy into TTC. Baby Lua, 2009 would be such a great year to join our family. Daddy Lua and I are really looking forward to meeting you, so come soon!

Here come the holidays

The day after Thanksgiving is fun time for DH and I as we buy and decorate our Christmas tree. This will be our first married Christmas, so we're pretty excited! We like to buy a special ornament each year, so we're thinking this year will be a wedding-themed one.

On a completely different note, I think I am going to be ovulating early this month. The CBEFM gave me another "high" reading this morning, but what was really surprising was the fact that I had EWCM. I'm only on day 8 right now! I am not complaining however. I am leaving the country on Thursday for a few days and honestly thought that I would miss my most fertile period while on vacation without my DH. That said, I don't know whether I should be worried about potentially ovulating this early. I am not going to think about it too much. But it's nice to be able to track what's happening with my body, even if I have no control over it.

My first "high"

My monitor gave me a high reading this morning. I wasn't expecting that. I know the first month is more likely to give you more "high" readings because it is trying to get to know your body, but I just wasn't expecting it. I know you aren't supposed to try to read the test sticks, but I am trying anyway.

As you might be able to see, the day 6 line is a little darker than the day 7 line. And the day 7 test has a bluer tint to it. I believe the estrogen line is the one that gets lighter as estrogen rises and the LH one gets darker when there's a surge.  I hope that this means I'll get better results with this vs. the OPK tests I tried to use. Those were basically useless for me.

I am feeling pretty good this cycle. I am less stressed about getting pregnant and more accepting that it just may not happen right away. I will keep writing and keep trying to relax and will pray that Baby Lua will enter our lives soon.

I am trying really hard to be positive. I am tired. I have been working really hard. I don't want to work right now, but I have to. I am cold. My DH likes it cold in the house, and I like it warmer, so I am sitting in front of a heater procrastinating.

I am not pregnant. I'm okay with that. I am hoping that I will be soon. But if this doesn't happen in the next few months, I am going to start to stress out. Seriously...

Starting the work week off positively

My temps are low, my spirits are high. I am going to be positive today.  I am making a choice to be happy, productive and stress free. As we move closer to Thanksgiving, I have to remember all of the things I am thankful for, including having a wonderful husband, really great friends and family, a varied and interesting career, etc. I will not let the stress of everyday life - at work or at home - put me in a bad mood today. I just won't.

If I were to get pregnant this month, I would have such a great Christmas gift for DH...

Still trying

I bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor. We'll see if this increases my luck this month. Although as I mentioned earlier in this blog, I'll be out of town without DH during my most fertile phase, so I may just be screwed...

So

I'm not pregnant. That's all I have for today.

I tested...

I know I shouldn't have, but I did. I just wanted to know. The funny thing is, I still don't know anything! But it satisfied my need to be doing something. It's all wishful thinking at this point. I don't know whether I am or am not pregnant and taking 1000 tests right now won't make a difference. I just have to be patient and wait until Sunday to test again. I mean, I just have to wait until Saturday. Yeah, Saturday. I like the way that sounds. Well, Friday is 14 DPO, so maybe Friday is smarter. We'll see. I know it's not tomorrow, so I'll just take it one day at a time...

Still no time for me!

I have to figure out a way to find more time for myself. I don't think I am asking for a lot. Without a daily commute (except from my bedroom to my office), I should have at least an extra 2 hours to do things I wouldn't have been able to do when I was traveling to an office. Instead I am finding that I am doing more work. Or maybe there are just fewer hours in the day and somebody forgot to tell me about it. I just don't have enough time/energy to do the things I want to do. I rarely stop working before 3 pm, but I've been up since 6 am, so I just don't feel like working out at that time. I actually want to get dressed and leave the house for a few minutes. I want to be able to say "hi" to my DH when he gets home from work.

Anyway, same story different day. I am cramping a little. And my temps are still up. But I have a while before I can test, so there's nothing interesting I can say. I hate being in a not great mood...

Okay - feeling better

Ahhh - I am happy to be back home. I had a great time on the east coast and really loved seeing my best friend, but I missed my husband too. And the super warm weather. But maybe we'll head east sometime since that's where all of our friends and family live.

I am feeling a lot less stressed today. A combination of a great weekend with friends, bring home with the one I love, and not thinking about work too much, have led me to a really good place this afternoon. I can tell you how I'll feel in about 3 hours when the "oh my gosh, it's Sunday" feeling grabs a hold of me. But for right now, I'm feeling pretty good.

I am getting a little antsy about testing. I should wait at least 8 days, which seems like forever from now. Fertility Friend actually says wait 11 days, so I am really going to try to hold out for that. I have to keep telling myself that every day that AF doesn't show up is a day is a good day and that is what should matter. So that's what I am going to think about.

I am annoyed with myself though. This month, I drank wine after I ovulated because I just knew I wasn't going to even be fertile until day 14. That was strike #1. The I at a hot dog on the plane on Friday, forgetting that I could possibly be pregnant. Strike #2. And to top it off - guess who had a hot dog again today. Strike #3. And what's so bad about strike #3 is that I remembered yesterday that eating hot dogs was really bad and had forgotten this by Sunday afternoon.

Well, I can't beat myself up over this. It's done. I am just going to hope for the best here. I am going to try to start eating better and working out more. If I don't take care of myself, I shouldn't be trying to have a baby. I also have to get better about stressing about work. It's not my whole life. It's just a part of it.

I really, really hate flying

First, let me say that I am a lot less fearful of flying than I have been in the past. I no longer cry during flights, and I certainly don’t need to have a drink before getting on a plane and in flight. That said, I still wish I could just blink and get to where I want to go. I don’t mind the long hours. I don’t mind the sitting in one place for an extended period of time. I do mind the turbulence and can’t stand takeoff.

The last thing I need right now is to feel even more anxious than I’ve been over the past few weeks, but here I am. My heart is racing, and every time the plane moves the slightest bit, my startle reflex kicks in, and I look insane. The good news is just typing this is helping to calm me down. I’m not relaxed, but I am slightly less spastic.

I had what feels like ovulation pain on my left side. I don’t know what it means, if anything, since my temps have been way up – they increase every morning. But if that means I ovulated today, then there’s no chance I’m pregnant as there has been no activity in our bedroom the past few nights. I’ve been working a bit too much. But back to the pain. It felt like cramping in a weird way, but only on one side. I have actually just felt completely off over the past week. Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying I think I’m pregnant or anything. But I’ve just been feeling off. Not tired, not sick, just off. Well, I was sick yesterday. But that’s not completely out of the ordinary.

I don’t know what to do. I keep trying to relax. It doesn’t work. And I’m not talking about the plane ride. I’m talking about in life. I had an awful work day today. And yesterday. I am on the space mountain version of a plane ride. I am worrying that I am starting my family too late in life. So I do seriously have things to be worried about. But I just want to make the physical symptoms go away. The flurry in my chest keeps me up at night and makes me crazy during the day. My mind spins, even when I just want to veg out. I hate this! It’s so awful.

Okay, let’s keep this in perspective. It’s not awful. It’s annoying. It’s bothersome. But it’s NOT awful. That’s part of the problem. I am giving more power to my feelings than they require. I’m distressed not depressed. Annoyed not anxious. Bothered not borderline getting ready to freakin’ lose it. Breathe in. Breathe out. One moment at a time. I’ll be fine. Really I will. Really.

One quick thing...

I am stressed, and I am so worried that I won't be able to conceive because of it. My heart races more often than not. This happened to me once before, and it was because my last job was making me crazy. Now my current job is doing the same. It's just so hard to work east coast hours and live on west coast hours given the 12+ hour days I am working. I am at my desk around 6 am and don't really move until 5 pm. I take a shower quickly and then start cooking dinner and spend a little time with my husband. Then I am back online around 8 pm and an end up working well past 10 pm. I am so tired at this point that I don't know what to do with myself. And the sad thing is, everyone I am working with is doing the same thing.

I am trying to set some boundaries for myself, but I find that I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work, so it's just not worth it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I need a vacation and won't be taking one for a while. I just hope to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving without all of the anxiety I'm feeling right now.

Please, please, please don't let this stress affect my fertility. I don't have many years left to try...

Feeling odd

I feel weird. My stomach feels queasy. I hate that. I am pretty sure it's the food I ate last night. But of course, there is the part of me that is hoping it has to do with conception. Given that today would only be 6 days past ovulation, that is highly unlikely. But a girl can hope, can't she? I am going to try to eat right - I haven't been drinking enough water or taking in enough vegetables. I've just been so frustrated around my cycle and with work. I haven't worked out in a few days. It's making me feel a little run down. I will get back on track next week. I am traveling this weekend, so I want to be back on track by Sunday.

Oddly, my temp keeps going up every day. I am starting to wonder whether I am actually sick. I've never had a waking temp over 98.0 and did today. I don't feel feverish, but maybe it's from stress. I have been feeling highly stressed over the past few days/weeks. I don't see it getting any better. But I sure hope it will and soon.

Still nothng

It looks like Day 12 was the right day. I just can't understand why my body didn't give me any warning. It's frustrating. I am just taking it one day at a time. It's funny - I feel like I didn't do a great job preparing this month and what if this is the month that I get pregnant. It would be too funny. Well, it would be awesome, but also really funny.

Being stressed at work is not helping things any. My work life has gotten fairly hectic for me (12+ hours days), and I am still having trouble sleeping. DH is bordering on furious. He hates when I work late because it means I am unavailable to spend time with him, but even worse, it makes me a not awesome person to be around. He's not pleased with me now because I was short with him when talking to him this morning. I really wasn't annoyed with him. I was just trying to get work done while talking about something and my patience was at it's highest point. I got less than 7 hours of sleep (which is not usual for me) and it was 6 am. Not really excuses, but still. I need him to cut me a little slack too. I told him I wasn't annoyed with him, but I'm sure it still hurts when I'm short or snippy with him. I take responsibility for that, but I just wish these little things wouldn't happen. They make me more cranky and that is just not a place I'd like to be.

Well, I'm back to work again. I'm hoping today will bring some relief from the stress I've been feeling. Maybe I'll even get some EWCM?

Day 12?

My temp is still up today indicating that I ovulated on Day 12 and not closer to Day 18 like last month. I know the first few months off of the pill can be irregular, but I guess I didn't really think about the possibility that I would ovulate a lot sooner. That said, the only sign of ovulation has been my temperature. I haven't had any signs of fertile CM until late last night, and the OPK tests have been coming up negative. And I would have been testing early enough to catch an LH surge because I started testing around day 6 or so. So if I really did ovulate, I'd be surprised and disappointed with myself because I'll feel like I missed all of the signs that were so clear last cycle.

If I did ovulate, what did I do wrong? I know I am not drinking enough water, so maybe that's it. Or maybe I just didn't ovulate. That is certainly an option here. I don't know what to do. And to top it all off, I have been having a glass of wine with dinner the past few nights. Now I know I shouldn't have. And if I am pregnant, I'll feel pretty badly about that. I haven't been drunk or anything, but still. Better safe than sorry. Oh well, I am not going to beat myself up over this. I am going to keep up the BD with my husband over the next few days just in case and hope that the OPK turns positive and that I get some EWCM. Maybe I'm just not feeling well and am starting to get a fever?

I have to stop this. What's done is done and what it's done, isn't. I won't know one way or the other until something drastic happens, so we'll see...

Annoyed but hopeful

My temp this morning was 91.89. Well, that's not exactly correct. My thermometer stored a temp of 91.89 this morning. Apparently, I was either dead on in a coma at the time I took my temperature, since the human body does not operate at that low of a temp. That said, by the time I realized it, I had been up for the morning and my temp was just not relevant. So I don't know whether my possible ovulation is turning into an actual ovulation or whether ovulation is still to come. My CM is watery which indicates a fertile period, but it only started this afternoon. I've never had watery CM before, so I don't even know if I am recording it properly.

I am not going to worry about this too much. I am going to focus on positive thoughts and keeping my stress levels down. I'm going to just pray for the best...

Trying really hard

So I wake up this morning really early (2:30 am) and I have to take my temp at that time because I am pretty sure that I won't be able to get much sleep afterward. I woke up again at 4:30 am but decided that I hadn't gotten enough sleep, so I didn't take my temp. Anyway, I look at my saved, early morning temp around 7:30 am and realize that it's 97.9 degrees. So my temp is up 2 days in a row, but I have had no signs of ovulation. I am so worried that I missed something in my fertility signs. I have been checking my CM and am taking the daily OPK tests, and so far nothing. But if my temperature is anything above 97.3 tomorrow, Fertility Friend is going to show me as having ovulated. I will be so disappointed that I missed something if that's true.

It's really quite possible that I just took my temp too early in the morning and that that is what is throwing off my numbers. Maybe all of my signs will line up appropriately, and there is no problem. Maybe there was just something weird going on this morning, and I have nothing to worry about. But if I did ovulate and just missed it, I'll be so upset. We haven't done enough this month to give ourselves the best chance for conception. And next month will be even harder because I'll be traveling during my most fertile time. So it very well may be that the next opportunity we have to conceive will be mid-January sometime!

I am going to try really hard to think positive thoughts for the rest of this week and just hope that my temps were just off this morning. It's very possible. And of course, I am going to have to make sure I can keep DH busy for the next few days just in case. Wish me luck.

Getting closer

I need to start watching what I eat again. I am getting a lot closer to ovulation, so I need to cut back on the caffeine and wine. I really can't complain about it. It's all for a good cause. But I wish I could just lose some weight before getting pregnant. However, being over 30 doesn't afford me a lot of tie to do that.

Keep your fingers crossed for me this month...

Heart racing...

I have started waking up with my heart racing again. This means that I am overly stressed. It happens to me when things at work get too crazy, and I'm not engaging the way that I should. I have so much to do and that just makes me not want to do it. DH and I had a discussion about this last night. He said we haven't been "pals" lately. I know we haven't, and I feel so badly about that. I really want to reconnect with him because I think it will be so much harder to conceive a child if we're not feeling excellent about our relationship. I also think the added stress will make it harder for my body to be receptive to a child.

I know this blog is supposed to be about conceiving, but it's turning into a lot more. All aspects of my life are going to have an impact on my ability to conceive and on my ability to be a good parent, so this isn't all for nothing. So you'll have to bear with these stories about my life outside of taking my temperature every morning.

Speaking of BBT, it is so sad that I have to take my temps at 3:30am because I usually wake up every 15 minutes between 3:30 and 6:00 (the time I actually get out of bed). I am up thinking about work, and the fact that work is stressing me, and the fact that being stressed is keeping me from sleeping, and the fact that not sleeping is adding to my stress, etc. I am praying that all of this mental noise does not prevent me from getting pregnant this month or at all. I think if i could just focus on work enough to get the bulk of my work done, I'd feel a lot better...

I have to work!

I feel so badly when I am in a busy season for work. It means that I am working 12-14 hours per day and just don't have the energy/time I would like. DH is always so annoyed when I work like this. I understand that he wants my attention, and I would like to give it to him. But I also have deadlines and am working with people who are working the same hours. I can't just stop working. I have to get things done. I try to manage my time better, but when you spend 7 hours on calls, when do you have time to do your work?

On a different note, I am eagerly awaiting ovulation. I'm hoping it happens in 8 or less days. I am trying to stay really mellow and not get too stressed. I don't want to push off ovulation because I am so keyed up.

Are we there yet?

I am at the halfway point for ovulation - or at least I would be if my cycle is similar to last month's. I am hopeful that this month's cycle will be a little shorter (28 days vs. 32 days). But as long as it's not longer, you won't get any complaints out of me. My CM is starting to change, so I think that's a good sign. It's nowhere near fertile, but it's something.

I am also really sure that next month, I'm doing the 7-stick ovulation test vs. the 20-stick test. Testing every day is so not fun. But I feel like it's worth it this month just to see if everything lines up the way I hope it will. Actually, I'm hoping things line up so well that the only test I need is a pregnancy test!

Daylight Savings Time

I love getting the extra hour of sleep but hate that it means winter is on its way. I hate winter. Don't get me wrong, winter in CA is way different than the east coast. But I've spent enough time on the east coast to know to hate winter. Even the darkness, no matter how warm it is, makes life a little less bearable. Wow...I just realized how miserable I sound. Life for me is very bearable. Enjoyable even. I guess I just get so sad when I think about December and beyond.

I'm feeling good about my chances of getting pregnant this month. I am certainly not planning on getting my hopes up. I am just excited about the journey right now, and that feels good. I know not every day will feel like this. There will be times when I am frustrated or disappointed or completely stressed out. But today is not one of those days. So here's to being positive - even when the light at the end of the tunnel fades an hour sooner...