Breathe in...breathe out

My temp went up 0.02 today. It's falling right in line with my average temps for this point in my cycle, but I am not caving in. I still believe. I just need my temps to go up again tomorrow. Just one day at a time.

DH's second sperm analysis came back today - his numbers were better than before. So, there really isn't a significant issue on his end. So if it's not my thyroid, then we don't know what it is. I'm happy, but I am also just stressed out too. In some ways, it's worse to not have something specific to point to. But I think this cycle is the one to change us from unexplained infertility to pregnant!

I'm thankful for: Other people getting what they want. I love that other people's dreams are coming true. I just wish mine would too.

9DPO - Negative

I tested today - at 9DPO - with mid-morning urine. BFN. Duh!!! I can't even be upset that it was negative given the miserable testing conditions. I mean, the least I could have done was tested with FMU. But no worries, this is probably the first time I've tested with a BFN that I didn't feel bad. I had no business testing today at all. With a digital no less! What was I thinking?

I know what I was thinking. This is my cycle. And I wanted to see the BFP. But I can wait a few days.

I'm thankful for: Patience. I really do feel great about this cycle. I didn't stress about the BFN because I know that today wasn't the right day to test. I'm only a few days away, so I am going to just stay patient. Instead of testing, I am going to just focus on getting a great temp spike in the AM and a BFP on Saturday.

Implantation Spotting?

I'm 5DPO and noticed some slight light brown spotting. I am so excited about that. I'm been absolutely exhausted today, which is a good thing as well.

I'm thankful for: Sleep. I know I've said this before, but sleep makes everything better. Seriously.

Hypothyroidism

I have issues with my thyroid. I finally got all of my blood test results back and everything looked great except for my thyroid. My TSH is 3.5 (which is high according to new standards) and my antibodies are definitely high. According to my RE and everything I've read on the web, this means that my thyroid is in trouble. So my doc has put me on 25 mcg of Levothyroxine. I'm taking the brand version called Synthroid though. 

I've read that having higher levels of TSH can cause weight gain, fatigue, dry, brittle hair and depression. While I won't say that my symptoms are completely due to my thyroid, I'm hoping that they are. I can't wait to start taking the meds tomorrow AM so I can see what they do. I've also read that 200 mcg of Selenium is also helpful for patients with hypothyroid issues, so I've started that as well. My prenatals only contain 50 mcgs, so I think the extra may help.

My DH laughs at me because once I latch onto something, I dig really hard for a few weeks. But I've never had to take a daily medication before, so I have been trying to read everything I can about thyroid issues. It's important for me to feel informed about my health. I know the internet isn't a doctor, but there is some good information out there. I like to know what I can before talking to a doctor. That way, when I do talk to the doctor, I can ask the right questions and be somewhat knowledgeable about his suggestions.

As for everything else, it is good to know that my other hormones are well within normal limits and that I don't have any other issues. I am not at high for cystic fibrosis, fragile x and some other genetic diseases. That's great news because I understand that not everyone is that lucky. So to have a thyroid issue which is completely treatable is not awful news. Especially since taking care of it may help with TTC!

DH also went to a urologist. He basically has a clean bill of health, but the doctor wants him to take another sperm analysis along with a DNA test and check his hormones just to rule everything out. I'm hoping his numbers come back great, so we can just feel comfortable that we're both healthy. Who knows, we may be in a great place now that I am addressing my thyroid!

I'm thankful for: Medical tests. While I didn't love the numerous vials of blood they had to take from me, I am so glad to know that I am relatively healthy and fertile. This is great news!

Slightly depressed

I am not thrilled today. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. I'm far from happy. Well, that's probably an exaggeration. I'm not far from happy, but I'm tired all the time and all I want to do is watch TV or read or sleep. I don't want free time to think. When I think, I just focus on all the things that aren't going the way I want them to. So, I figure if I don't think, then at least I won't depress myself.

Why I am so down? A few reasons - I want a child and we haven't been able to conceive one yet. I'm almost 34 years old with no children. I am overweight and don't have the energy or motivation to do anything about it. I don't make as much as I know I could because I am too comfortable in my current job.

I know, I know. I am just throwing myself a stupid pity party. But this TTC stuff is so hard sometimes. And it shouldn't be. It should be fun. It should be exciting. It shouldn't be my DH struggling to get an erection when he's tired and stressed just because he thinks today is a good day to try. It shouldn't be taking my temperature every single morning and peeing on a stick 10 days out of every month. It shouldn't be about blood tests, and shooting dye into your cervix and DH ejaculating into a sample cup. It should be romantic evenings and quickies and just having fun. But it's not. Instead I'm spending hours online thinking about how it would feel to add injections, daily ultrasounds and blood draws all leading up to a injection of modified sperm that my DH gets to produce by hand.

Okay - enough for now. I am going to change my attitude. I am going to get pregnant this cycle. The end.

I'm thankful for: Not being completely depressed. 

We start IUI in June

So, we have a date! Well, sort of. We are going to try naturally for the current cycle (of course, since we're already in it). Then we are going to try for one last cycle, since we're both traveling for work in May.  I am going to head to Miami for a few days and then meet up with DH in Vegas for a few days, so we are going to live it up and not stress about TTC. We both are fine moving to IUI, but of course, we'd prefer to conceive naturally. So we have this month and next month to try on our own.

I am happy with this decision. I feel like it's the right one. We have a plan and we're going to follow it. That makes me feel better.

We did argue some this weekend. The TTC stuff is weighing heavily on us both. I'm unhappy more than usual and he has a lot on his mind. We just need some way to get past this. Even if we can't conceive. This can't be a constant stress for the remainder of our lives.

I'm thankful for: Having a great husband. He really is a great guy. Even though I'm insane sometimes, he is still so patient with me. I am so lucky!

Nope, not feeling better

DH is still not sure about IUI, and he doesn't even seem like he really wants to talk about it either. I know he's willing, and I get that no one really wants to make a baby via IUI or any other assisted procedure. But if we want to have a baby, it's our best bet right now and so I would just hope he'd get over it and just say "sure, let's do it". I'm sure he'll get there soon, but I'm just a little annoyed that he's not there now. We've been trying for months with charting and pre-seed and guaifenesin and my monitor and laying still after sex and blah, blah, blah. And still nothing. So why not kick it up a notch and try something with a greater likelihood of working?

I don't know. I shouldn't get myself all worked up. We can't do anything about it now, and we probably can't do anything next month because we both have to travel. And he's traveling a lot in June too, so it may not be until July before we can honestly try the IUI route. And we only have until August for me to have a baby before 35, which is my big milestone. I know things don't work on my time, but on God's time, but I still have a clock and neither of us is getting any younger.

But I am not going to get too worked up about it just yet. We have time before we need to make a decision. And I don't want this to become a thorn in our sides. But I really wish he would make a decision as to whether he's willing to try next cycle...

I'm thankful for: Alcohol. I know I shouldn't be drinking but I'm frustrated and sad and I just don't care right now.

Will he choose IUI?

DH is not sure whether he wants to go the IUI route. He says he needs time to think about it. I understand, but it's a little frustrating. Well, maybe a lot frustrating. But I do understand it. I just want us both to want it. And I won't force him to go the IUI route, so if I can't get him to want it, I suppose we'll just keep trying the natural way. Until he makes a decision one way or the other, I am just going to try to stay positive.

I'll try to write more tomorrow. But I am a little sad right now.

Day 2 testing...

Today is CD3 for me. Yesterday, I went for Day 2 testing. They took 14 vials of blood from me! I got tested for FSH, Estradiol, Prolactin, Free T4, TSH, Thyroid, 4 different genetic diseases and a bunch of screening tests for things like Rubella and Varicella antibodies, blood counts etc. The woman initally took 11 vials of blood then called me at home later that day and said she would need more. Luckily, I work from home, so it wasn't a big deal to go back. I also don't mind getting blood drawn.

I'm not worried about the results as much as I am anxious to get them back. I am trying to stay as positive as I can. I just hope that everything comes back great, so we can move on to IUI next month. DH has to get screened too, but so far he's only scheduled his appointment with the reproductive urologist for the 20th.

The main thing is that I am one step closer to pregnancy. I hope my levels come back fine and that I'm completely healthy. I don't think anything will be wrong with me, but I just want the test results in hand to prove it. Then I'll just wait for DH's results to come back to show we're both healthy. I'll be praying until then.

I'm thankful for: Working from home. I am so jetlagged, all I want to do is sleep. Working from home allowed me to get some extra minutes of sleep this morning. I'm still exhausted though...

CD1 Again

Monday will be CD1 for me. I thought this would be our month given the HSG and the 5 days of BDing during my fertile period. I was really hopeful. But alas, it's another bust. So, as soon as I get back to the states, I have to go for Day 3 testing per m RE. 

I don't think I updated since my RE appointment. So we went to the RE the Friday before last. He recommened that my DH see a reproductive urologist just to make sure there's nothing special causing his low morphology. He said his numbers weren't bad, but they weren't great either.

For me, he wants to test my FSH, Estrogen and Prolactin levels. We're both getting some genetic testing as well. So this cycle will be another natural and then we're probably going to injectable IUI with Follistim. After 3 cycles of that, then I'll probably get a sonohysterogram to confirm nothing is wrong with my uterus. If that's clear, then we move to IVF with ICSI. He doesn't want to do the sonohysterogram now because we have no reason to believe anything is wrong, but I wanted to leave it as an option for later just in case.

If I get a BFP, I'll continue to see the RE weekly for u/s and bloodwork through the first trimester. I'll also have to take progesterone as well. 

DH and I talked about this a lot over the past week. He is trying to get his head wrapped around the IUI/IVF route. He really wants to conceive a child "normally", and I think this bothers him more than it does me. I just want to have a healthy child. If it has to be IUI or IVF, so be it.

Anyway, I am tired of TTC. I started this process wanting a 2010 baby and sincerely believing that was going to happen. With AF just about here, I know my chances are gone. The next milestone is trying to have a child before 35 - I only have 5 more cycles before I pass that too. I know my troubles are nothing compared to others who have been on this road for longer, or who have medical issues, etc. But I'm just feeling down about this now. I hate the waiting and the lack of control. I hate the idea of injectables, and sperm in a cup and daily u/s and visits to the doctor. I hate the expense - financially, emotionally, and the time spent thinking, worrying, planning, hoping, being disappointed, etc.

Enough feeling bad for myself. I'm just going to move on to another cycle and pray that this is the one...

I'm thankful for: Sunny days. Sometimes, on a nice sunny day, I like to gout outside and take a deep breath. It clears my head and makes me feel like I can make it through another day.