I really, really hate flying

First, let me say that I am a lot less fearful of flying than I have been in the past. I no longer cry during flights, and I certainly don’t need to have a drink before getting on a plane and in flight. That said, I still wish I could just blink and get to where I want to go. I don’t mind the long hours. I don’t mind the sitting in one place for an extended period of time. I do mind the turbulence and can’t stand takeoff.

The last thing I need right now is to feel even more anxious than I’ve been over the past few weeks, but here I am. My heart is racing, and every time the plane moves the slightest bit, my startle reflex kicks in, and I look insane. The good news is just typing this is helping to calm me down. I’m not relaxed, but I am slightly less spastic.

I had what feels like ovulation pain on my left side. I don’t know what it means, if anything, since my temps have been way up – they increase every morning. But if that means I ovulated today, then there’s no chance I’m pregnant as there has been no activity in our bedroom the past few nights. I’ve been working a bit too much. But back to the pain. It felt like cramping in a weird way, but only on one side. I have actually just felt completely off over the past week. Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying I think I’m pregnant or anything. But I’ve just been feeling off. Not tired, not sick, just off. Well, I was sick yesterday. But that’s not completely out of the ordinary.

I don’t know what to do. I keep trying to relax. It doesn’t work. And I’m not talking about the plane ride. I’m talking about in life. I had an awful work day today. And yesterday. I am on the space mountain version of a plane ride. I am worrying that I am starting my family too late in life. So I do seriously have things to be worried about. But I just want to make the physical symptoms go away. The flurry in my chest keeps me up at night and makes me crazy during the day. My mind spins, even when I just want to veg out. I hate this! It’s so awful.

Okay, let’s keep this in perspective. It’s not awful. It’s annoying. It’s bothersome. But it’s NOT awful. That’s part of the problem. I am giving more power to my feelings than they require. I’m distressed not depressed. Annoyed not anxious. Bothered not borderline getting ready to freakin’ lose it. Breathe in. Breathe out. One moment at a time. I’ll be fine. Really I will. Really.