Third Trimester

Wow - I am 28 weeks today and have officially entered my third trimester no matter how you slice it. I can't believe Baby Lua and I have been getting to know one another for so long, but even more amazing is that we are going to be meeting each other face to face in 84 days. I'm so excited.

So far so good with my health. I've had some pretty bad pelvic pain and now have muffled hearing for some strange reason, but overall, I feel really great. My little one moves around a ton, but she hasn't hurt me yet. I get Braxton-Hicks contractions every once in a while, but they don't hurt. They just feel odd.

Next week I go in for my glucose test. I keep reading about how horrible the drink is, but I can't imagine it's truly that bad. We'll see when I get there. I just hope to pass the test. I really, really, really don't want to have to go on a special diet. I hear the GD diet is awful!

I'm thankful for: Making it to the third trimester - things are going to speed up from here....

It's a...

GIRL! We are having a little, baby girl. We're so excited - nervous, but excited! And the ultrasound tech said she was 98-99% sure that it was a girl, so we've already went ahead and bought some bedding and "Daddy's Little Girl" bibs.

Update on me and the baby: I first felt the baby move on August 11 - it was such a cool feeling. Now I feel her moving all the time. I love it! The baby weighs 11 ounces, which seems big based on what I've been reading, but she measured 19w4d, so I guess that's not too far off. 11 ounces is the average for 20 weeks, so I'll stop stressing now.

Our little Lady Lua was moving around during our ultrasound. She was moving her lips a lot - DH says that means she is going to talk nonstop - just like her mom. It made me laugh.

DH and I spend time reading to the baby and talking about our future with her in our lives all the time. It makes me feel like I really did choose the right life partner.

We also did some shopping. We have our furniture ordered and it will be here in late September. We also bought a few other things, and basically emptied our baby account. But that's what it's for. Oh, we also started our registry this past weekend. We aren't telling people where we're registered or anything yet. We just wanted to get started so we'd have time to really pull it together.

The most exciting thing is that we're things are starting to pick up. DH and I are traveling this month, next month is the fun "4D" ultrasound, November is our babymoon and classes, December is more classes and the holidays, January is weekly visits to the OB and then it's go time.

I know it's been quite some time since I last posted. I don't know why. I've been under a lot of stress and generally not thrilled about stuff outside of the pregnancy (e.g. work). However, I couldn't be happier about the baby.

Oh, and here's the latest picture of Lady Lua:

I'm thankful for: Having a little girl! We love knowing the baby is a "she" and we love her more each day!

Don't know how I'm feeling

July wasn't a great month for blogging. I only logged in 7 entries - the lowest ever. With work, my travel, and the fatigue, I haven't really been feeling up to much of anything. I actually think I'm a little depressed.

It's not that I'm not excited about the baby. I am. I am also just worried and have so much stuff on my mind. I don't know how it all will work out. I can't put my finger on it. I'm just not myself lately. Part of it just left over fatigue and just general malaise from the first trimester. But I don't know. I can tell I'm starting to feel better physically, but I don't think my emotional state is catching up. I am going to keep my eye on how I feel because if I need to go into counseling, I should probably do so quickly.

On a more positive note, I may have possibly felt little Baby Lua move yesterday. I can't say for sure - it's way early to experience quickening. However, I was laying in bed with my hand on my stomach and just felt the oddest sensation in my lower abdomen. It wasn't like popcorn popping or butterflies. Just a flutter I guess. But I can't be sure. I haven't been able to replicate it. But I'm going to keep trying. I really would love to feel the baby move for sure, because that would really make me less stressed and more connected to the baby.

I'm thankful for: Finally getting my hair done. It looked crazy over the past 12+ weeks!

Scary Moment

So I was spotting over the weekend and ended up needing to go to the doctor. There were some tense moments when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, but eventually there it was, beating strong. And the baby was still moving around like crazy. We've got such an active one on our hands!

I hated that feeling of increasing anxiety and not having any way of knowing whether the baby was okay or not. I didn't want to call anyone about it because there was nothing anyone could do if things were not going well and they couldn't really offer me much reassurance if things were going well. So I just sat at home worrying myself. But the good news is all is well.

I don't have any other real updates. I'm finally getting my hair done since I'm basically out of the first trimester and we've both seen and heard the heartbeat. It has gotten uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach for some reason - it's not that the baby is poking out or anything. But it just doesn't feel good. And laying on my back for a long period of time feels like my stomach is stretching. Plus I know it's not good for me lay on my back, so I try not to. This means a lot of side sleeping and laying down propped up so as not to be completely on my back.

I'm thankful for: A healthy baby. Those few minutes before I heard the heartbeat were so scary. But now I know Baby Lua is really a trooper.

Heartbeat!!

We finally heard Baby Lua's heartbeat! The doctor didn't measure how fast it was beating, but we definitely heard it. The NT scan went well - measurements were will within limits. Now I just have to wait for the results of the blood test and the first part of the sequential screening is finished.

I am not feeling awesome. I had a little spotting, but I think it's because I went to the gym now that I'm done with my RE (Yes!!). Here's the ultrasound from that appointment. There won't be anymore Baby Lua pics until the big 20 week ultrasound. So sad...

I'm thankful for: Having a beautiful baby with a strong healthy heartbeat. It was so amazing to hear it the first time!!

11w5d - seriously?

Baby Lua measured 11w5d at 10w6d! That's a lot of growth since last week. 50.6mm or about 2 inches long.

And guess what...the baby was moving!

I'm thankful for: A wiggly little boy or girl. Seeing Baby Lua move was awesome.

Checking in

I don't have a lot to catch up on, but I wanted to say "hi". I have still been vomiting once or twice a day, but I do feel like I am getting better. The fatigue is still there, but that's okay.

We have a big appointment on Thursday as well as one on Friday. Thursday is the Nuchal Translucency and second OB visit. Friday is our last visit with our RE (and our last weekly ultrasound).

Wow - I didn't even post the picture from our ultrasound last week. I'll do that now!

Another sleepy AM

Sometimes the mornings are the hardest. I'm pretty sleepy right now, even though I did get about 7 hours of rest. I know it's less than I normally need, but I would think it would be enough that I wouldn't be yawning every 5 minutes. But I am, so I may try to sneak in a quick 15 minute nap when I'm done with this entry.

Baby Lua and I are doing well. We have our moments - like the sudden gagging and retching which happens out of the blue if I don't eat every three hours or so. But overall, I do feel pretty good. I'm excited about getting so close the the second trimester at the end of the month. A lot of cool stuff happens between weeks 15 and 20, so I'm looking forward to that.

I'm thankful for: Not freaking out. Sometimes I can get pretty nutty about stuff, but I seem to be taking it all in stride right now...

10 weeks!

Here's Baby Lua at 10 weeks (measuring 10w1d @33.2mm):

 I'm hoping that this week is the start of my feeling better. I pretty tired of being tired and nauseous. But things are looking good so far today!

I'm thankful for: Being in the double digit weeks. We're 25% of the way there!

First OB Visit

Okay, I'm giving in. Our new expected due date is February 3, 2011!

We went to see the doctor today. It was pretty uneventful. These visits won't be as exciting as the visits with the RE because we won't be seeing the baby or anything. But I will get to give blood and urine, so I guess that's something. It also feels like I've graduated to the real doctor now, so that's a good feeling. My blood pressure was good, I got my annual pap smear, etc. All pretty standard. I asked a few questions, and other than that, it was pretty boring.

But I'm one day closer to meeting Baby Lua, so that's good news!

I'm thankful for: Seeing my OB for the first time!!

21.1mm and growing

Baby Lua is a little bigger than last week. (S)he hasn't grown as much as I thought, but I've been sick and (s)he's still within 2 days of last week's measurement. I have myself at 8w3d, so Baby Lua is 2 days ahead of my schedule and 2 days behind where I thought (s)he would measure given the reading of 8w0d last week. We're not quite an inch yet (21.1mm is about .83 inches). The heartbeat is still great, and the arms and legs are better formed.

I'm feeling okay today. I'm mostly tired. I had some trouble sleeping last night, so that's making it worse. I'm excited for my OB visit tomorrow. I can't imagine having to wait this long to see a doctor. I'm not lucky that I had to visit an RE, but I'm lucky that I got to start my pregnancy with him because it meant that I could see the baby earlier and get care sooner. If I hadn't had my progesterone checked, maybe I would have lost the baby early. You never know.

I'm thankful for: A still growing baby. Every time I get to see that the heart is beating and the baby is growing is a blessing.

Finally feeling better!

I am so excited. I am finally feeling better. I'm at about 95%! I am still pretty tired, and my stomach isn't perfect, but I feel better than I have in weeks. I don't think that's an exaggeration. I really, truly have felt miserable over the past few weeks for different reasons. Nausea. Diarrhea. Constipation. Fever. It's been a real mess. But now that I've taken some "real" medication (Kaopectate for diarrhea and Milk of Magnesia for constipation), I think my body has evened itself out. Now I just have to remember to drink, drink, drink. I was doing really well with my fluid intake a few weeks ago, but the whole being sick thing made that harder. But I'm feeling better and am recommitting myself to taking in lots of clear liquid. I don't want Baby Lua to be thirsty.

I'm thankful for: Feeling great! I didn't know when I'd feel like this again, and I sure did miss it. I think I have been taking wellness for granted all of these years. I don't want to feel that run down anymore if I can help it.

Emesis

I hate throwing up. So far, I've only had 2 episodes of morning sickness gone really bad, but I'll be totally satisfied if those are the only 2. It usually starts off with a lot of increased saliva. Then coughing and retching. And then a trip to the toilet. I can usually stop it if I catch myself at the coughing/retching part. If I hurry up and eat something small, that seems to work. But if I let the coughing go on for a few minutes, it starts to get worse.

Now, I'm only talking about vomiting twice. But I get awfully close on a daily basis. This, along with my sore breasts and extreme fatigue, make me feel like I am really, truly pregnant. So I have to be happy about that.

I'm thankful for: Only throwing up twice. It could be a lot worse...

Ouch

My breasts are really sore! I first started feeling it in the middle of the night. They just felt really sore to lay upon. then this morning, I woke up, and I feel like I should take some aspirin. Ouch! Baby Lua is doing crazy things to my body.

I've also been super tired. It's annoying. I hate being so tired. But thankfully, I have the ability to rest and relax as much as I need to at home.

I'm thankful for: Pregnancy symptoms. I know, I know...I do complain about them a little (or a lot). But I am seriously thankful. It's a good sign. It means that baby is growing.

Measuring 8w0d

Baby Lua is getting big! (S)he has arms and legs and the brain is forming. The baby measures 15.8mm or about .62 inches. It was so cool to see the baby this morning. The heart was beating nicely. It was just amazing. I can't believe I have a little life growing inside of me. It's miraculous, wonderful, humbing and awe-inspiring. I love you Baby Lua

My doctor has me scheduled for a Full Integrated Screening. That means a blood test for PAPP-A and hCG at 10-12 weeks; a nuchal translucency ultrasound at 12w2d (I've already scheduled) and another blood test for AFP, hCG, uE3 and Inhibin between 15-20 weeks. I can't say I'm worried about the screening. I trust that the baby is just fine.

I'm thankful for: Feeling better!! Man I hated being sick. It was awful...

Really getting better this time - I hope...

I still felt awful today. Not as bad as Friday. Nothing is a bad as Friday. But I still didn't feel great. It's been annoying. I don't want to eat, but I did. I had some microwave food, which so far hasn't made me sick. I also had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I'm excited to see the baby again on Wednesday, but I am getting a little anxious about it all. The "newness" of being pregnant has started to wear off. I am still excited, but it's just different now. Now it's a matter of waiting for the next "big" thing. Like hearing the heartbeat. Or feeling the baby move. And those things are exciting. But...

I am starting to worry. I don't know what is bringing this on, but I am really starting to worry. Not so much about baby's health or anything. I only worry about that some because I am trying to do the right things so my child will be okay. But I worry about whether I will be a good mother. What if I am really too selfish? What if I don't bond with the baby? What if I get postpartum depression? What if I get so stressed out I can't handle it all? What if DH and I don't agree on some aspect of raising a child that we haven't already talked about? What if, what if, what if?

I'm thankful for: Not feeling as badly as I did on Friday! And for only having to wait a couple more days until DH comes home...

Why can't I be normal?

I'm so tired. That's not the "not normal" part. I've been sick and I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Of course I'm tired! But I have a lot of work to do, and I just haven't been able to pull myself together to get any of it done. I did feel a little better today (meaning I am only tired and nauseous). But I still didn't get any work done. And I HAVE TO before I go to sleep tonight.

Instead, I've laid around, watched TV, did some laundry, took naps, read about fundal height on the internet, etc. I've been seriously procrastinating. Part of it is fair - I haven't been feeling well all weekend. But part of it is my crazy self-destructiveness. I always put myself in these awful situations. I wait and wait and wait and then I have to do all this stuff at once and it stresses me out. Which is the last thing I need - and the last thing Baby Lua needs. I don't know what to do.

Well, I do know what to do. I need to stop stressing and start working. Not for me - for Baby Lua.

I'm thankful for: Getting better one day at a time. I know I don't feel great, but I don't feel as bad as I did on Friday. Which is a really good thing.

Not feeling well

I know I haven't updated much in the past few days, but I was feeling progressively worse and am only just starting to feel better. I had diarrhea for about 4 days, a low-grade fever of 100.0 for one and  general exhaustion for all. It's been really hard and miserable. But I think the baby is going to be fine.

I don't really have much more to say. I hope to feel well enough tomorrow to say a lot more.

I'm thankful for: Feeling better today than I did yesterday. It's a blessing.

8.2mm and growing!

I have been craving more protein and having some mild aversions to dairy (cheese), particularly mozzarella. I really crave hamburger meat and scrambled eggs, but the kind you get at a diner or something. It's the weirdest thing. I'm not craving carbs, which is great. Oh, and tomatoes. I like eating tomatoes on stuff now too.

The baby is 8.2mm and measuring at 6w5d! I was so nervous going into the ultrasound because my symptoms have been on and off. But as soon as I saw the baby on the screen, I knew (s)he was okay. The baby is so much bigger than last week! And the heartbeat was beautiful.  It was so clear. The only bad part about today is that I have to wait another week to see the baby again. It's actually hardest on Thursday - it feels like forever until I have my next appointment. But I'm not complaining. I know plenty of mothers who have to wait weeks and months to see their child. I'm blessed to be able to see the baby more regularly.

I'm thankful for: Another awesome ultrasound. It was so cool to see the baby's heartbeat so much clearer this time around. And I was so thrilled that the baby was healthy and progressing perfectly.

Can you tell the gender based on where your baby implants?

So, today on Baby Center I found a thread that talked about a study in which the following was true:

~ 97.2% of the male fetuses had a chorionic villi/placenta location on the right side of the uterus
~97.5% of female fetuses had a chorionic villi/placenta location to the left of the uterus
 
NOTE: ABDOMINAL ULTRASOUND PICS ARE A MIRROR IMAGE. So if it's on the left in the pic, it's really on the right. (This is not true for transvaginal ultrasound).

If this is true, then I think Baby Lua is a boy!!!!

I'm thankful for: My husband. I think he's swell (LOL).

Feeling weird

Well, I'm somewhere around 6w1d, but definitely heading into my 7th week. I woke up on Saturday constipated, but with no other real symptoms. I started freaking out and was worried that I felt too good. Then yesterday I started feeling badly again and started freaking out because I didn't feel badly enough. Today, I feel not great and not awful, but I am just looking forward to seeing Baby Lua again on Wednesday. I'll feel so much better once I see the baby's heartbeat. The symptom thing is bothering me, but I know it's more newly pregnant nerves than anything...

On a non-pregnancy-related note, I hate my job. I want to quit. Better said, I hate working and don't want any job. It's not that my job is bad; I just no longer want to do it. I know I sound super lazy and unmotivated, but I don't get much pleasure out of what I do. I wish I could just read or talk for a living. That would make me much happier. I have been procrastinating and don't see that stopping anytime soon. I want to just take a sick day, but I need to just push through it. I'm being a jerk to myself more than anyone.

I'm thankful for: Having a job. Without it, we'd have less money. And I like having money to buy things.

I am calm

I feel a lot better about the pregnancy this morning. I was a little stressed out yesterday worrying about the progesterone thing, but between the doctor not being extra concerned and everything I've read, I've just calmed down. Taking the Prometrium in advance of my numbers going below 20 is a great thing. And the fact that my numbers are over 20 is good in and of itself. So I really don't have anything to worry about.

Add that to the fact that I did see a heartbeat yesterday and definitely still have morning sickness. There is still a healthy baby growing inside of me, and for that I'm truly thankful. Stressing about something I can't control is not going to make me a better vessel for my child. I need to keep things as stress free in there as possible.

I had a weird craving for grilled cheese this morning. I decided to eat it with some tomato soup for breakfast. At least my little one got some calcium and vegetables. The bread was whole grain and the cheese was fat free, so it wasn't the worst meal ever.

Now if I could just shake this desire for McDonald's french fries with barbeque sauce, I'd be in good shape.

I'm thankful for: The weekend. I am always looking forward to it and always miss it when it's over...

Baby Lua's Heartbeat

We saw it today!! It was so small, but it was there. A faint flicker of light. Baby Lua is growing nicely - a healthy 5w6d measurement. I have myself at 5w3d, so it's pretty close. I'm not changing my tickers or anything yet. It's just a matter of a few days.

On a less exciting note, my doctor just called and told my my progesterone level decreased from 29 last week to 23 this week. So he's going to start me on a progesterone supplement that I'll have to take 4x a day. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm excited that we could see the baby and that my levels are above 20. But I know they are supposed to be increasing, not decreasing. So that stresses me out a little.

I am just going to focus on the fact that I saw the heartbeat this morning and that the baby is measuring ahead of where I thought it would be. This means that Baby Lua is alive and kicking. Stressing out about progesterone is not going to make life any easier for him or her, so I am going to practice some deep breathing. And I will definitely pray.

I'm thankful for: A heartbeat! It was so awesome to see it on the screen : )

So sleepy

Being pregnant has definitely made me even more sleepy than usual - as if that were possible. I am usually pretty sleepy in general, but I would nap a few times a day if I could now. The nausea is on and off - I didn't have any last night but felt it a little this afternoon. That said, insomnia is a different story. Last night was the second night that I woke up and just couldn't get back to sleep for hours. I usually don't have any trouble with sleep. It's on of the things I really love about me. When I'm ready to go to bed, I just go to bed. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I just turn over and go to sleep. But not the past few nights. I wake up and oddly enough, it's my stupid job that keeps me awake. I'm thinking about the silliest stuff that doesn't matter. You'd think with Baby Lua growing inside of me that I'd be up all night thinking about the baby's health or how we're going to afford it or how I feel about going back to work after birth. Instead, I'm worried about some stupid deadline I missed or some stupid e-mail I was supposed to send.

I think this kind of stuff is normal. Having a baby is a big deal, and everyone deals with it in her own way.

I'm thankful for: Not having gained any weight so far. I know it's not really the right measure as I know I'll have to gain some weight, but I want to do it slowly and smartly. A lot of women lose weight in the first trimester, so that's what I'm hoping for. I am eating when I'm hungry and am not counting calories, but I am definitely not indulging or eating like a starved person. But I may grab a milkshake one of these days. I think about it daily.

5w0d

The morning sickness has really started to kick in. I don't get it all the time, mostly in the early AM (12-3). It's not unbearable. Just uncomfortable. I also notice it when I'm driving. And when I'm overly full or overly hungry. But it's really not that bad.

I've started writing in my photo journal. I want to make sure Baby Lua has lots of stuff to look at when (s)he is big enough. 

I'm thankful for: Surprisingly enough, morning sickness. It makes me feel like the baby factory is hard at work!

Baby Lua

Here's Baby Lua at 4 weeks and 3 days. (S)He is just a gestational sac with a yolk sac and really hard to see. But there (s)he is!! We're so excited.

HCG: 1599

Whoo hoo! My HCG level doubled in 33.38 hours, well under the standard 48-72 hour timeframe. I thought I would hit 1000 this week, but I didn't expect that it would be so soon! 1000 was the magic number because that's when my RE would let us do an ultrasound. So tomorrow morning at 6:30 AM we'll get to see the baby!!

Now, I know not to get my hopes up too high. I know the baby won't look much like a baby, and the chances of seeing a heartbeat aren't high. But it doesn't matter. Being able to see the gestational sac/yolk sac is more than enough. Just seeing Baby Lua for the first time will be life-changing. DH and I are so excited. (I need a different word - I keep saying "excited" all the time.)

Every day that passes, I am more and more committed to doing the right things for the baby. My doctor said no exercise, so I can't really do much about that. But I can eat well and drink lots of fluids. It's good for me too as the better I eat and the more I drink, the easier this pregnancy will be. I wont' escape all of the symptoms, but I can do my part to lessen their effects.

I'm going to be a mom one day. It's scary and amazing. Only 250 days to go...

I'm thankful for: A great doubling time. It's a good sign of a healthy pregnancy!

Can't wait until tomorrow

I'm not looking forward to work, but I am looking forward to another blood test! I am getting my HCG and Progesterone checked tomorrow AM. I have to hold some time on my calendar to answer the call from my doctor - although I'm pretty sure I have a full day tomorrow anyway.

I haven't really been having any symptoms. I have nausea sometimes and am getting increasingly tired, but that's about it. I also occasionally have some cramps but not too badly. However, I have been running around crazy with baby on the brain. I am just so excited. I haven't been able to get any work done - I've just been planning for the baby. I have books, spreadsheets, checklists and calendars. I am just so excited. I can't wait to meet Baby Lua.

Well, I have to try to get something done tonight - even if it's just a list of things that I need to do tomorrow. Because there sure are a lot of them.  The good news is I'm not temping or charting anymore. Now that I know I'm definitely pregnant, there is no need to continue. But I charted long enough to know that my temp did stay up through the expected start date of my period, so I will be able to test this next time around.

I'm thankful for: A good night's sleep. I definitely plan on getting one tonight! And BTW, I did blog more this month than last!

First test results

My HCG was 227 and my progesterone was 26! Both good, solid numbers. I was happy when the doctor called, although I already know I was pregnant. The bad news is I have to "take it easy" for the next 12 weeks - which includes no sex and no exercise. I am going to wait until I have the chance to actually sit down with the doctor to discuss this is in more detail. DH refused to let me work out before the appointment and now that the doctor said I can't do much, he's really on top of me to relax.

It's funny. I don't consider myself to be a high-risk pregnancy. But I'll follow the doctor's orders until I get the chance to sit down with him and really understand why he thinks I need to follow this course of action.

I get my blood taken again on Tuesday morning. I'm looking for my HCG to be 575 or greater. It could be as high as 900 if it's doubling every 48 hours. Either way, I think I can get my first ultrasound by Friday!! I can't wait to see the first heartbeat, but that may not happen that soon. But seeing the yolk sac will be exciting and comforting. I can't wait to see the baby for the first time!!

I'm thankful for: Having a life growing inside of me. It's so awesome and humbling and wonderful.

255 Days - So excited!!!

It hasn't sunk in yet. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I tested again this morning - another digital "pregnant"!! PREGNANT! P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T! I'm so excited, so happy, so elated, so nervous...but so happy!!!

I was on my way to ordering Follistim AQ and Pregynl for an IUI process starting on June 1. I just finished injection class on Tuesday. I was ready to order my injectables for $800+. We were going to go through with it. Seriously. But...

I woke up at 3:30 AM to take my temp and use the restroom. My temp was 98.42 - a little higher than average, but nothing to get worked up over. It was 10 DPO, and I figured since I was up, I may as well take a pregnancy test to get the first test of the cycle out of my system. I had secretly hidden a non-digi test in the bathroom but didn't use it and went for a digital. I figured that if it were a BFN, I would get my need for a test out of the way, but I wouldn't feel badly when it said "not pregnant" because I know digis aren't as sensitive.

I peed on the stick, put the cap on, stuck it back in its wrapper and got in bed. I laid there and almost fell asleep for a few minutes. About 3 minutes had passed, so I grabbed my iPhone (for the light) and looked the screen. It read pregnant.

Wait...what? Pregnant?! I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, turned on the light to make sure I read it correctly. Pregnant! I walked out of the bathroom in a daze and got back in bed. I tried waking my husband, but he was pretty sick and didn't stir. So I turned on my computer and started writing to people on BabyCenter.

About 10 minutes later, DH starts stirring, so I start typing loudly and fidgeting quite a bit. He finally wakes up and says "why are you up?" I said "wanna see"? So he turns over, and I'm holding the pregnancy test in the light of the computer and he looks so confused at first. But then, it dawns on him, and I can't even explain the smile that came on his face. He just lit up. We started hugging and smiling and laughing. It was perfect.

So, that's the story. He immediately bought "what to get when you're expecting" on his iPad, and I called my best friend and my mom. He took a picture of a onesie I bought with his favorite college team and sent it to a few of his closest friends.

It's been 24 hours, and I've already taken another test. "Pregnant"! I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow AM to get a blood test. I am going to stick with him for the first 12 weeks. That means I get a blood test every other day until my HCG level reaches 1,000, then I get my first ultrasound. From then on, I get an ultrasound every week until the second trimester, when I get turned over to my regular OB/GYN. I'm still a little torn as to whether I want to go this route. I love the idea of constant monitoring, but I don't know whether it really makes sense. But I'll fill you in tomorrow.

I'm thankful for: A positive pregnancy test!!! It's what we've been praying for!

May 26, 2010

I'm pregnant!

2DPO

Nothing new to report here. I am waiting for my crosshairs on Fertility Friend, but I know I'll see them tomorrow.

DH got his DNA test results from the doctor yesterday. Everything was normal. So he's been cleared for timed intercourse through IVF. So if we're not getting pregnant, it's due to something with me. So far, I have no idea what that something is other than a potential thyroid issue. I'm just hoping that the synthroid has made my thyroid less of an issue and that we're going to see a positive pregnancy test in about 10 days or so.

I am going to try not to test until testing day. So far, testing earlier has just not led to anything but more tests. Testing early doesn't make me any more pregnant. But I do get test fever. But we'll see what happens. This won't be the first month I've tried to hold out, but maybe it will be the last month I need to try.

I'm thankful for: Grey's Anatomy. It looks like it's going to be so good this week!

Good planning

Whoo hoo - I am not having an anovulatory cycle. Today is most likely O day. I was worried because I usually ovulate on day 11 or 12, but day 15 isn't bad and it's not the first time. I was a little worried because I know I have been stressed. But I'm much happier now that I know I'm still ovulating the way I'm supposed to.

I called my doctor last week for a few things. First, DH wanted me to find out about medications or injectables with timed intercourse. And I wanted to find out whether we were prepared for IUI given all of the testing we went through. I have to call again because I need to know whether they are going to be able to refill my prescription and to find out how I am going to get the fertility medications since they can't be dispensed by a pharmacy. (How ridiculous is that?!)

I'm thankful for: Another day. It's always something to be thankful for...

Still on the road

I have been sleeping in a different bed every night since Wednesday. So over a week of packing, traveling, working, sleeping, packing...It's not the most awesome thing ever. I'm tired and annoyed but I am hanging out in the Four Seasons, so it's not that bad.

I have nothing interesting to report on the TTC front. Well, that's not completely true. DH and I argued about IUI again. I'll write more some other time, but the main point is I am going to call the RE and ask about doing Clomid or injectables for a month or two (or more). If he says it's feasible, then we'll do it. I'm not happy, but I'm not really upset either. We just feel so differently. I want a child quickly; he wants it naturally. 

So, I haven't even entered High fertility yet according to my monitor. I hope this isn't a sign that I am going to have an anovulatory cycle. I'm trying not to get to worked up, but it's hard.

I'm thankful for: Hotels. It is nice to get away from home sometime.

Stopping By

I can't write a lot today. I am traveling and have TONS of work to do before going to work in the morning. So the question is what should I be talking about?

Let's start off with the eating, since it's on my mind. I haven't been eating well. I thought I would be, but I'm not. Instead, I've been eating all of this junk for no good reason. Just mindless eating. And I've been hating myself. I look in the mirror and am disgusted. And that just makes me want to eat more because I'm so upset. It's a vicious cycle. the unhappier I get, the more I eat. The more I eat, the more disgusted I get with myself. The more disgusted I get with myself, the unhappier I get. And it starts again. I have to find some way out of this sometime soon. Or I am going to hate myself and my husband is going to be very disappointed.

On to the baby stuff. I'm on CD 8 and not in my high fertility time yet. I haven't had any symptoms one way or another. I feel fine and am just waiting for my CM to change or to see an increase in my fertility stats on my CBEFM. I'm expecting so see something in the next 2-3 days.

But related to that is DH's request to know more about medicated (Clomid or Injectables) with timed intercourse. He says he's just asking for information, but he also has said a few times that he really would prefer not to go down the IUI route. So I am trying really hard not to be upset. I understand that no one wants to make a baby through assisted reproductive techniques, but it is what it is. I just want to try the most cost-effective thing we can try given that we clearly aren't doing any of this on our own. I get that he wants to do this "naturally", but I don't want to keep trying and not getting results. Part of me just wants to say "fine" and try to get the doctor to let us do timed intercourse with drugs. This would avoid the potential fight and would at least make me feel like we were doing something more than what we're doing now. But I would feel like we're wasting yet another month when we could be doing something with a higher likelihood of success. I'm not saying it wouldn't work, but I am saying why do something with an x% chance of getting pregnant, when we can afford to do something with x+y% chance of getting pregnant. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Well, that's not completely true. I understand why he wants to minimize the "assistance". Everybody wants to conceive the old-fashioned way I would imagine. But I also understand that the science of it all says that IUI makes more sense in our situation and that's enough for me. For him, the science is sort of the problem. He just wants to conceive a child in a bed like the majority of the population. There's no winning or losing here. Just 2 different approaches to a problem.

I do feel like I've compromised. I wanted to start IUI fast, but I knew he didn't want to, so we decided next cycle would be it. But now he's revisiting it. And he can say he's "just asking" all day long. He's only "just asking" because he'd prefer to not do an IUI next month. I know he will do it, and I love him for that. But I just wish he would accept that IUI is the best thing for us medically and move on. But I suppose he wishes that I would accept that timed intercourse with drugs is the best thing for him mentally. So we're kind of between a rock and a hard places.

Well, off to work. I'll keep you informed.

I'm thankful for: Always being able to get a good night's rest. I wouldn't be much fun if I were an insomniac.

Not directly about TTC

I am not going to write about trying to conceive today. But just as an update, I'm on CD3 with nothing new to report.

Today, I am going to write about my health. I have to fight for it. I have to. I have a problem. I didn't really realize it until yesterday, but I know I have a problem now. It's an issue with food. I admit this. I think about it way more than the average person. My DH can attest to that. I think about what I'm going to eat on the weekend on Monday. I think about the next opportunity I'm going to have to "cheat" on my diet. What thing can we celebrate, what restaurant can I talk him into going to? It's an odd obsession.

I don't know when this started. I don't think I was always this way. But I do know why I am this way now. It's something I have complete control over. It gives me pleasure to eat something sweet and rich, even if only for a minute. I know I can buy or bake something and all is well for the time I am eating it. I know I'll feel bad afterward. I know I'll look in the mirror or get on the scale and hate what I've done. I know I'll try to remember the sick feeling in my stomach so that the next time I'm tempted, I won't eat.  And I know I won't remember it. Or I will remember it, but it won't matter. I just want that moment or two of sugar.

So back to why - Instead of getting pleasure out of normal things, I've placed a good deal of energy in getting pleasure out of things I can control. This way I can't be disappointed. You'd think I'd control my body then, but I don't get pleasure out of the exercise, and I'm so far away from where I'd like to be with my weight that I don't think about my body as a potential source of "controllable pleasure". It's so sad. If I could obsess about my weight the way I do about a really good cupcake, I'd look like a rockstar.

But the real question is what am I going to do about it. Seriously. I can't live like this. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to my husband. And it's not going to be remotely good for my children. I can't have a child with an overweight, binge eating mother. My husband shouldn't have to settle for a wife who is so selfish that she won't take care of herself so she can eat whatever she wants. And I shouldn't have to settle for being less than what I can be.

This is actually a bigger issue. I am always settling for less than I can be because I don't want to risk not being able to be more. It's crazy. I am more of a perfectionist that I thought.

So back to what I am going to do about it. I am going to admit that I have a problem. I just told my husband, so there's no going back now. I have a problem. The next step for me is to pray about it. Over and over. And then I have to get better one day at a time. I am going to take it one step at a time. One meal at a time.

I'm thankful for: Admitting when I need help. I hate to do it. I want to be completely self-sufficient. But I'm not.

Hopeful

I want today to be a good day. I really do. It's 4:30 AM, and I'm up and ready to get some work done. Now, I should have gotten some work done yesterday, but instead I slept most of the day and stuffed my face the rest of it. I was feeling so awful. But I'm paying for it now with a stomachache and will probably be paying for it the next few weeks with the extra weight gain. I really want to lose weight, but the occasional binge-eating makes that really hard.

TTC is hard. I know it shouldn't be, but it has been for me. Not the act of making love, but all of the work we've put in around it. I mean, look at all the women who just "end up" pregnant. It should just be a natural part of life. Instead, I'm taking temps, peeing on things, chugging cough medicine, researching all kinds of old wives tales, etc. I just don't think it's supposed to be this involved. Part of me wants to stop it all this last cycle, but I'll hate not knowing for sure that I ovulated or when my best testing day is. None of it "hurts" me. In some ways, it gives me something to do. But on the other hand, it is a little stressful.

I don't know. I think I am in a little bit of a funk. I'm always a little down when my husband isn't home. And I'm always a little down when I realize that I'm not pregnant. And I'm always a little down when I get closer to my birthday. So I have to cut myself some slack here. I just wish I were in a better mood. Seriously.

I'm thankful for: Having the energy to get up early to work. Usually, when I can't sleep, I lay in bed for hours. This morning, I got right out of bed and started my day. Part of this is because DH isn't here, so I don't have an excuse to stay in the bed. But part of it is I want to try to make the most of today so that I can feel better about myself. I always feel much better when I'm productive.

Tough Day - oh and CD1

Today was tough. I don't really have a reason to point to. My husband is wonderful, I have great friends, my family loves me. But I'm just down today. I don't feel well. I haven't been feeling well lately. Just general malaise. I'm super exhausted. I sleep for 8-9 hours, and still take naps during the day. I have cramps today, so that's part of it too. My stomach hurts, from eating cupcake tops. Which I shouldn't have been eating, but I sometimes can't control myself. I am starting another cycle. The last cycle before we have to go down the IUI route.

Okay, I am not going to sit here an beat myself up anymore. I am just going to go to bed and try again tomorrow.

And I am going to write more this month - I don't like that the number of my blog entries has been going down each month. I'm not going to commit to writing every day, but I am sure going to try. Even with all of the traveling I am going to be doing this month - yet another reason why I am feeling incredibly stressed and unhappy...

I'm thankful for: Sprinkles cupcakes. They are so tasty...

Breathe in...breathe out

My temp went up 0.02 today. It's falling right in line with my average temps for this point in my cycle, but I am not caving in. I still believe. I just need my temps to go up again tomorrow. Just one day at a time.

DH's second sperm analysis came back today - his numbers were better than before. So, there really isn't a significant issue on his end. So if it's not my thyroid, then we don't know what it is. I'm happy, but I am also just stressed out too. In some ways, it's worse to not have something specific to point to. But I think this cycle is the one to change us from unexplained infertility to pregnant!

I'm thankful for: Other people getting what they want. I love that other people's dreams are coming true. I just wish mine would too.

9DPO - Negative

I tested today - at 9DPO - with mid-morning urine. BFN. Duh!!! I can't even be upset that it was negative given the miserable testing conditions. I mean, the least I could have done was tested with FMU. But no worries, this is probably the first time I've tested with a BFN that I didn't feel bad. I had no business testing today at all. With a digital no less! What was I thinking?

I know what I was thinking. This is my cycle. And I wanted to see the BFP. But I can wait a few days.

I'm thankful for: Patience. I really do feel great about this cycle. I didn't stress about the BFN because I know that today wasn't the right day to test. I'm only a few days away, so I am going to just stay patient. Instead of testing, I am going to just focus on getting a great temp spike in the AM and a BFP on Saturday.

Implantation Spotting?

I'm 5DPO and noticed some slight light brown spotting. I am so excited about that. I'm been absolutely exhausted today, which is a good thing as well.

I'm thankful for: Sleep. I know I've said this before, but sleep makes everything better. Seriously.

Hypothyroidism

I have issues with my thyroid. I finally got all of my blood test results back and everything looked great except for my thyroid. My TSH is 3.5 (which is high according to new standards) and my antibodies are definitely high. According to my RE and everything I've read on the web, this means that my thyroid is in trouble. So my doc has put me on 25 mcg of Levothyroxine. I'm taking the brand version called Synthroid though. 

I've read that having higher levels of TSH can cause weight gain, fatigue, dry, brittle hair and depression. While I won't say that my symptoms are completely due to my thyroid, I'm hoping that they are. I can't wait to start taking the meds tomorrow AM so I can see what they do. I've also read that 200 mcg of Selenium is also helpful for patients with hypothyroid issues, so I've started that as well. My prenatals only contain 50 mcgs, so I think the extra may help.

My DH laughs at me because once I latch onto something, I dig really hard for a few weeks. But I've never had to take a daily medication before, so I have been trying to read everything I can about thyroid issues. It's important for me to feel informed about my health. I know the internet isn't a doctor, but there is some good information out there. I like to know what I can before talking to a doctor. That way, when I do talk to the doctor, I can ask the right questions and be somewhat knowledgeable about his suggestions.

As for everything else, it is good to know that my other hormones are well within normal limits and that I don't have any other issues. I am not at high for cystic fibrosis, fragile x and some other genetic diseases. That's great news because I understand that not everyone is that lucky. So to have a thyroid issue which is completely treatable is not awful news. Especially since taking care of it may help with TTC!

DH also went to a urologist. He basically has a clean bill of health, but the doctor wants him to take another sperm analysis along with a DNA test and check his hormones just to rule everything out. I'm hoping his numbers come back great, so we can just feel comfortable that we're both healthy. Who knows, we may be in a great place now that I am addressing my thyroid!

I'm thankful for: Medical tests. While I didn't love the numerous vials of blood they had to take from me, I am so glad to know that I am relatively healthy and fertile. This is great news!

Slightly depressed

I am not thrilled today. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. I'm far from happy. Well, that's probably an exaggeration. I'm not far from happy, but I'm tired all the time and all I want to do is watch TV or read or sleep. I don't want free time to think. When I think, I just focus on all the things that aren't going the way I want them to. So, I figure if I don't think, then at least I won't depress myself.

Why I am so down? A few reasons - I want a child and we haven't been able to conceive one yet. I'm almost 34 years old with no children. I am overweight and don't have the energy or motivation to do anything about it. I don't make as much as I know I could because I am too comfortable in my current job.

I know, I know. I am just throwing myself a stupid pity party. But this TTC stuff is so hard sometimes. And it shouldn't be. It should be fun. It should be exciting. It shouldn't be my DH struggling to get an erection when he's tired and stressed just because he thinks today is a good day to try. It shouldn't be taking my temperature every single morning and peeing on a stick 10 days out of every month. It shouldn't be about blood tests, and shooting dye into your cervix and DH ejaculating into a sample cup. It should be romantic evenings and quickies and just having fun. But it's not. Instead I'm spending hours online thinking about how it would feel to add injections, daily ultrasounds and blood draws all leading up to a injection of modified sperm that my DH gets to produce by hand.

Okay - enough for now. I am going to change my attitude. I am going to get pregnant this cycle. The end.

I'm thankful for: Not being completely depressed. 

We start IUI in June

So, we have a date! Well, sort of. We are going to try naturally for the current cycle (of course, since we're already in it). Then we are going to try for one last cycle, since we're both traveling for work in May.  I am going to head to Miami for a few days and then meet up with DH in Vegas for a few days, so we are going to live it up and not stress about TTC. We both are fine moving to IUI, but of course, we'd prefer to conceive naturally. So we have this month and next month to try on our own.

I am happy with this decision. I feel like it's the right one. We have a plan and we're going to follow it. That makes me feel better.

We did argue some this weekend. The TTC stuff is weighing heavily on us both. I'm unhappy more than usual and he has a lot on his mind. We just need some way to get past this. Even if we can't conceive. This can't be a constant stress for the remainder of our lives.

I'm thankful for: Having a great husband. He really is a great guy. Even though I'm insane sometimes, he is still so patient with me. I am so lucky!

Nope, not feeling better

DH is still not sure about IUI, and he doesn't even seem like he really wants to talk about it either. I know he's willing, and I get that no one really wants to make a baby via IUI or any other assisted procedure. But if we want to have a baby, it's our best bet right now and so I would just hope he'd get over it and just say "sure, let's do it". I'm sure he'll get there soon, but I'm just a little annoyed that he's not there now. We've been trying for months with charting and pre-seed and guaifenesin and my monitor and laying still after sex and blah, blah, blah. And still nothing. So why not kick it up a notch and try something with a greater likelihood of working?

I don't know. I shouldn't get myself all worked up. We can't do anything about it now, and we probably can't do anything next month because we both have to travel. And he's traveling a lot in June too, so it may not be until July before we can honestly try the IUI route. And we only have until August for me to have a baby before 35, which is my big milestone. I know things don't work on my time, but on God's time, but I still have a clock and neither of us is getting any younger.

But I am not going to get too worked up about it just yet. We have time before we need to make a decision. And I don't want this to become a thorn in our sides. But I really wish he would make a decision as to whether he's willing to try next cycle...

I'm thankful for: Alcohol. I know I shouldn't be drinking but I'm frustrated and sad and I just don't care right now.

Will he choose IUI?

DH is not sure whether he wants to go the IUI route. He says he needs time to think about it. I understand, but it's a little frustrating. Well, maybe a lot frustrating. But I do understand it. I just want us both to want it. And I won't force him to go the IUI route, so if I can't get him to want it, I suppose we'll just keep trying the natural way. Until he makes a decision one way or the other, I am just going to try to stay positive.

I'll try to write more tomorrow. But I am a little sad right now.

Day 2 testing...

Today is CD3 for me. Yesterday, I went for Day 2 testing. They took 14 vials of blood from me! I got tested for FSH, Estradiol, Prolactin, Free T4, TSH, Thyroid, 4 different genetic diseases and a bunch of screening tests for things like Rubella and Varicella antibodies, blood counts etc. The woman initally took 11 vials of blood then called me at home later that day and said she would need more. Luckily, I work from home, so it wasn't a big deal to go back. I also don't mind getting blood drawn.

I'm not worried about the results as much as I am anxious to get them back. I am trying to stay as positive as I can. I just hope that everything comes back great, so we can move on to IUI next month. DH has to get screened too, but so far he's only scheduled his appointment with the reproductive urologist for the 20th.

The main thing is that I am one step closer to pregnancy. I hope my levels come back fine and that I'm completely healthy. I don't think anything will be wrong with me, but I just want the test results in hand to prove it. Then I'll just wait for DH's results to come back to show we're both healthy. I'll be praying until then.

I'm thankful for: Working from home. I am so jetlagged, all I want to do is sleep. Working from home allowed me to get some extra minutes of sleep this morning. I'm still exhausted though...

CD1 Again

Monday will be CD1 for me. I thought this would be our month given the HSG and the 5 days of BDing during my fertile period. I was really hopeful. But alas, it's another bust. So, as soon as I get back to the states, I have to go for Day 3 testing per m RE. 

I don't think I updated since my RE appointment. So we went to the RE the Friday before last. He recommened that my DH see a reproductive urologist just to make sure there's nothing special causing his low morphology. He said his numbers weren't bad, but they weren't great either.

For me, he wants to test my FSH, Estrogen and Prolactin levels. We're both getting some genetic testing as well. So this cycle will be another natural and then we're probably going to injectable IUI with Follistim. After 3 cycles of that, then I'll probably get a sonohysterogram to confirm nothing is wrong with my uterus. If that's clear, then we move to IVF with ICSI. He doesn't want to do the sonohysterogram now because we have no reason to believe anything is wrong, but I wanted to leave it as an option for later just in case.

If I get a BFP, I'll continue to see the RE weekly for u/s and bloodwork through the first trimester. I'll also have to take progesterone as well. 

DH and I talked about this a lot over the past week. He is trying to get his head wrapped around the IUI/IVF route. He really wants to conceive a child "normally", and I think this bothers him more than it does me. I just want to have a healthy child. If it has to be IUI or IVF, so be it.

Anyway, I am tired of TTC. I started this process wanting a 2010 baby and sincerely believing that was going to happen. With AF just about here, I know my chances are gone. The next milestone is trying to have a child before 35 - I only have 5 more cycles before I pass that too. I know my troubles are nothing compared to others who have been on this road for longer, or who have medical issues, etc. But I'm just feeling down about this now. I hate the waiting and the lack of control. I hate the idea of injectables, and sperm in a cup and daily u/s and visits to the doctor. I hate the expense - financially, emotionally, and the time spent thinking, worrying, planning, hoping, being disappointed, etc.

Enough feeling bad for myself. I'm just going to move on to another cycle and pray that this is the one...

I'm thankful for: Sunny days. Sometimes, on a nice sunny day, I like to gout outside and take a deep breath. It clears my head and makes me feel like I can make it through another day. 

My stomach

I woke up nauseated this morning. I know it's only 3DPO, so I'm not blaming it on conception or anything. I also had a monster temp spike too, so I am thinking I ate something not good. The problem is I am nauseated now as well. I didn't eat anything new or special.

So, I writing all this to say that I am still feeling really hopeful about this cycle. I secretly want to hope that my nausea is being caused by pregnancy, but I just want to be cool, calm and collected. So, I am just taking it one day at a time. I'll report my symptoms as I have them, but I won't get crazed until I know something real...

I'm thankful for: Law & Order SVU. I love that show. It's like candy for the brain...

It's later

And I promised another update. I had my weekly acupuncture appointment today and felt so relaxed and refreshed afterward. I don't have much physically to discuss. I feel fine. No issues to report or crazy Day 2 symptoms that would probably be nothing by imagination or just plain old progesterone. I'm really hoping that this cycle is "the one", but I won't know that until early April. It would be wonderful if I had some good news, especially since this is the last chance I have to have a child in 2010. Which is the one thing I wanted when we started TTC.

I'm thankful for: A good night's sleep. There is nothing like getting 8 hours of good rest to start the day.

Quick update

So, we missed one day out of the six we were aiming to BD. And the one day we missed was O day. But we hit every other day, so I think our chances are still really high. We did the best we could this cycle, so now it's a waiting game.

I'll post again later, but I wanted to post that quick update...

Keeping up with the plan

So we're on day 4 of six days of back to back sex. It's been fun, but I'm worried about whether we made the right decision. What if we've affected his sperm count by having sex so many days in a row? But I can't worry about that now. We're going to follow this plan through tomorrow sometime. That way, I'll be sure to have a "high" rating on intercourse timing on Fertility Friend.

We're out of town next week, but I packed some pregnancy tests just in case I get testing fever. My test day will probably be April 4th, so I am going to try not to test until April 1st or later. I don't want to ruin my trip with super early BFNs that don't mean anything. I'll be taking my temps while out of town, but I'm not sure it will reliable as the time zone difference is like 12+ hours.

I'm thankful for: Vacations! I love them and really need one soon...

Peak Reading

I got my peak reading today. So, I think we have 3 more days of sex before we can take a break. If we keep it up, we'll have DTD for six days in a row. I have to believe that's a record for us. We usually take a night or two (or more) off at a time. That said, it's been fun this week. It hasn't felt like pressure or like we're doing something we "have" to do. Instead, I think we've both been excited about it.

Since the HSG, I've had a weird crampy feeling in my tubes. They don't hurt, but they just feel a little sore. Other than that, nothing is going on with my body. I'm taking the guaifenesin regularly and try to remember to drink water. But overall, I'm just waiting for ovulation.

This next week is going to be hard. I'm busy at work and am heading out for a long vacation, so I have a lot to do. And I'll be anxiously awaiting the RE appointment on Friday. So keep your fingers crossed for me.

I'm thankful for: Sleep. I love it when I have a restful good night's sleep.

1 week until the RE

So, our first Reproductive Endocrinologist appointment is Friday, March 26th. I am both excited and anxious at the same time. I'm excited because now that the testing is all done, we can get a good understanding of what our next steps might be. I'm anxious because I just don't know what happens from here. Will he say we should just keep trying? Will he recommend a few Clomid cycles before IUI? Will he recommend IVF with ICSI right away?

The other possibility is that we conceive this cycle and the RE trip turns out to be unnecessary. That would be the best news. We'd be able to talk to an RE about our fertility, and we'd still be pregnant on our own. This month we're both committed to having sex each day that I am fertile. So right now, this is Day 2 of fertility. We started the BD marathon the day before I was fertile, so right now, I'm thinking we have at least 4 more days of sex ahead of us. The good news is it doesn't really feel like pressure right now. Instead, it just feels like we are excited that we might be able to do this ourselves and want to feel like we've done everything we could to avoid going down the artificial path.

My doctor called today to tell me my HSG results were normal, so no issues there. I think I said this before, but the HSG wasn't fun. I took 800 mg of ibuprofen before the procedure. I had to strip from the waist down and sit on the edge of a table. It was like getting a pap smear. There were 4 people in the room, not including DH who there with me. They made him stand in a control room where he could see me, but also the monitor to watch them inject the dye. It was a little uncomfortable when the doctor inserted the catheter, but when he inflated the balloon that holds the catheter in place, it felt like a very uncomfortable extended cramp. Then I had to slide back on the table so I was laying flat on my back. They slid the x-ray machine over my abdomen and injected the dye, which I didn't feel (maybe because I was already feeling the catheter balloon). I could see the dye as it was injected and could see that the dye spilled out at the ends the way it was supposed to. (I looked at a lot of pictures of HSGs online, so I had a decent idea of what I should see.)

 

I guess that's it for an update from me. I am taking Mucinex extended release (600mg) instead of the Robitussin this cycle, and it seems to be working. I have had some spotting from the HSG, but nothing that I need to worry about. So we are going to keep trying for now...

I'm thankful for: The RE appointment! It's only a week away.

I know, I know

I haven't been a good blogger lately. I've been self-absorbed. I haven't even joined the conversations on Baby Center. I have just been having trouble with the whole TTC thing. DH got his results - the count was great, his motility and morphology were low. My OB/GYN said we should definitely go see an RE. The good news is we have an appointment for Friday, March 26 as there were some cancellations due to the holiday. 

So, the HSG wasn't awesome. I wasn't ultra painful, but it certainly was uncomfortable. I promise to give more details by the end of the week, but I have to get some work done this evening. 

I'm thankful for: Having an RE appointment. We need one.

Nothing new

I have nothing to say today. I am tired of the whole TTC thing. It's hard because DH and I really want to start our family. I had to deplete our baby savings account today because someone close to me needed the money to prevent eviction. I was happy to be able to help out, but it hurt me to drain it. There was something sad about taking that money since we don't currently have a child to be building a fund for. I'm sorry I don't have more in me today. Knowing I'm on cycle 7 is weighing on me today...

DH went for his semen analysis today. I'm hoping to get the results in the next 24-48 hours. I don't think my doctor will call me with them, and I'm not even sure that he'll call me back when I call as he may wait until I finish with my HSG to give me those results too. But I hope to hear back soon on the semen. I want to be one step closer to knowing where we stand in the fertility process.

I'm thankful for: Today. Just today.

And it's back to square one

So, my temp dropped to 97.74 degrees, and I started spotting this evening. This means I'm not pregnant. Again. This is the 6th again.

I cried in front of my husband about this last night. He was so sweet about it, but I hated breaking down. I don't want this to be so heart-wrenching. I want to just accept that TTC takes time and not be upset. But I just can't. I want to make DH a father so badly. I want to be a mother. And he and I love each other. I believe we would be great parents. But still, nothing.

I know it's only been 6 months.

I know we are being proactive by getting testing done, and that most issues, if we even have issues, are able to be fixed.

I know that not having a child is not the end of the world.

I know that everything happens the way it's supposed to happen.

But I just wish I could accept it all instead of being increasingly disappointed each time I get my period.

I hope one of two things happens:

1. DH's sperm analysis comes back great, I get the HSG, it clears my tubes, and we get pregnant in Cycle 7 before I have to start Clomid.
2. DH's sperm analysis comes back great, I get the HSG, it shows I'm fine, we go on Clomid, and I get pregnant with a singleton or twins in Cycle 8

That's what I am going to focus on. Either way, I want DH's analysis to come back great. If there is anything awry, I don't want it to be because of him. I know how difficult that would be for him. I don't want him to feel badly.

I'm thankful for: Believing tomorrow can bring something better. If I didn't, today would not be a good day.

Really hopeful

My early pregnancy signs monitor is at 71 points. My temps jumped up at 13DPO, although I didn't take my temp at the right time. But I got a BFN today. So I don't know what to think. I'm just going to try to be patient...

God, please let me be pregnant. Please. Amen.

I'm thankful for: Movies. They keep my mind off of this stuff a little.

Wondering

Hmm...my FF monitor rated me 53 points today. It's the highest yet. I am not overly excited, but it's nice to know. My cycle this month has been weird. More creamy CM, odd temperatures, just not my regular cycle - if there is such a thing. I don't want to get too riled up - it's not good for me. But I am cautiously hopeful about taking my temp in the AM. If it goes up again, I might test in the morning. I say might because I really would prefer to wait until test date. I don't want to waste yet another test on a wing and a prayer.

I'm thankful for: The Fertility Friend Early Pregnancy Signs Monitor. I doesn't make me feel much better or much worse about my pregnancy chances. But it is nice to have it as another thing to reference. It helps keep my need for information satisfied.

Frustrated

I went for a fertility consultation. My husband has to go for a semen analysis, I got my progesterone levels checked and just scheduled a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). I am not quite devastated, but I'm getting there.

My blood work was good. My level was 19.9, and I've read that that is a good number. I'll get to talk to the doctor by tomorrow evening, so I'll let you know what he says then. He also did a quant test for HSG - it was negative as was my FRER HPT this AM, which means I am probably not pregnant. I have a slight chance, since I'm only at 10DPO, but it's not very likely at all.

My doctor says if the HSG is good and the semen analysis is good, I'll have to start on Clomid (which I'm guessing would start cycle 8). If the HSG is good and the semen analysis is not so good, it may be IUI possibly with Clomid. I don't know what happens if the HSG isn't good.

I didn't think I need to talk about HSG, Clomid, IUI or semen analysis when I started this blog.

I'm thankful for: My husband. He's being really supportive. He came with me to my appointment, and I think having the doctor say I really should be pregnant by now made it click for him.

I've been pretty patient this cycle. I'm not cataloging every little twinge. I am just trying to go with the flow. My temps are in range for what they normally would be at this point in the cycle. I have nothing interesting to report. I am 7DPO and am just going to wait it out until I feel a need to test.

I'm thankful for: My BBT thermometer. It works and that's all I need it to do....

8 points

That's my score on the FF Early Pregnancy Signs tool. Not great. Lowest score ever, and it's just 5DPO. Maybe that 's a great sign - all the times I've had higher points, I haven't been pregnant.

Sleepy

I'm tired. I'm on 4DPO and have nothing to report. I've traveled the last few days, so I just haven't had the energy to write.

I'm thankful for: Sleep. It's a good thing.

I hate traveling

I have to go to NY today. It's a super quick trip - in and out. I'm not even telling my friends because I won't have time to do anything.

My temps are flat today, but I got my second of two "peak" readings. We did our best conceive this cycle. I'm betting we get a "high" rating on the conception advisior, which is better than last cycle. We did our part, so we just need to see whether we are going to be blessed with Baby Lua. It would be so wonderful if this were our month. I want to be a mother and DH wants to be a father. I pray that this is our time.

I'm thankful for: Movies OnDemand. It's nice to be able to watch something I want when I feel like it.

Feeling better than yesterday

Okay - I feel so much better today. I was feeling a little sorry for myself yesterday, but I'm back on track. I have to allow myself some down time sometimes.

Anyway, my temps are starting to climb, I got a "peak" reading on my CBEFM and my CM is watery. This means I'll be able to BD at the right time this month. Since I'm heading out of town for a few nights tomorrow night, I was afraid I was going to miss some prime BD time. However, given my temps and the monitor reading, I think we'll time everything just right to have a high chance of conception. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

I'm thankful for: Not staying negative. I know I can occasionally get caught in feeling badly for myself, but I don't always stay "down". I really learned to put stuff aside and move forward.

Tired of TTC Today

My best friend is pregnant after passively trying for 3 months. I am so thrilled for her!! But I am just reminded that I'm not and we've been actively trying for 6 months now. It seems silly to even read that last sentence because this is only month 6, so we've only been trying in earnest for 3 more months.

But still. It is hard to keep this up. I am taking my temps every freaking day. I wake up to pee on a stick 10 days in every 30. I abstain from alcohol, medication, and caffeine for 25 days out of every 30. I check my cervical fluid and am now taking Robitussin 3 times a day. I take prenatals and DHA and calcium 2 times a day. I am getting acupuncture. I walk 30 minutes when I get the energy to do it. And what do I have to show for it. A freaking blog. 

Awesome.

I am tired of TTC.  Maybe I'll feel better later, but I am f*cking tired of it right now.

I'm thankful for: My friend's pregnancy because at least it's happened to someone I love since it doesn't seem to be happening to me.

Playing Catch Up

I can't say a lot today and you've probably noticed, I haven't been posting daily like I want to. Work is kicking my butt!

Today is CD9 and I got my first high reading of the month on the CBEFM. My temps are super low (97.2), so things are progressing normally. I've been taking Guaifenesin on a somewhat regular basis. I can't say for sure if it's helping, but I have had EWCM today, which was awesome. I'm really hopeful this month. If I ovulate when I think I will, my due date would be November 15. It's would still be Fall and not winter, and I wouldn't necessarily have a baby on Thanksgiving Day.

I'm thankful for: TV. It's nice to have a distraction when I need it.

So tired

I know I already posted today, but I thought I would write briefly again. I made it through a pretty tough day. Acupuncture was wonderful today. I don't know what took me so long to get back into it. I also up for Jenny Craig. It's not cheap. But it works. I am on the 20 lbs for $20 plan. I can't imagine it will hurt as I try to get pregnant to lose some weight. So although the day wasn't awesome, I did get some positive momentum. So I'm happy.

Another partial all-nighter

I am too old for this. Staying up until 3 AM trying to meet a deadline - which I didn't meet. I tried cramming weeks worth of work into the hours of midnight to 3 AM. I got a dent in a small piece of it, but I have so much more to do and now I'm exhausted on top of it all. But I'll pull it together and get it done. But I'm upset that I'm here when this could have been avoided.

Since I was awake at my temping time, my temp shouldn't really count. But it was only 97.34, so I think it was in the ballpark of what it would have been anyway. The bad news is my reading on my monitor. As I went to be at the time I would usually POAS, I went to the bathroom and didn't have a stick with me. So I ended up using urine from 6 AM which just wasn't the right timing. It just didn't have a high level of hormones. It'll be fine as long as I don't try another all nighter. So I have to stop here and get to work!

I'm thankful for: Having meetings I can move. I don't know what I would have done if I had to have my 8:00 AM meeting this morning. Getting in some extra sleep after working all night was necessary. I am still dragging today, but at least it's with 4 hours of sleep and not with 3.

Drumming up the energy

The beginning of any cycle is less than exciting. Well, that's not completely true. There is the preparation, the belief that this will be the cycle to end up with a BFP and 9 months later, Baby Lua. So that's a good thing. Then there is the addition of something new to the TTC arsenal. This months it's Guaifenesin to thin my CM. And of course, a renewed commitment to doing all I can to ensure my body can conceive.

That said, there's also the frustration, the stress, the pressure. That's the less exciting stuff. The stuff that makes this whole TTC process hard. I hate the forced nature of it all. I wish we were younger so that we didn't have the time issue to deal with. But we aren't and we do, so we'll deal.

I'm thankful for: Finding new ways to help TTC. It keeps this process somewhat fresh. I love having something new to try.

Lost some steam

Happy Valentine's Day. I wanted to be celebrating being pregnant. Instead, I'm not. Well, I'm celebrating having a wonderful husband. Although it doesn't feel that way right now. Right now, it just sucks. When we decided that we wanted to have a child, I did all the right things. I started taking prenatal pills 3 months in advance. I started temping and checking my CM. I stopped drinking and eating medium rare meat. We timed our intercourse to ensure we were giving ourselves the best chances for conception. I spent a few hundred on my fertility monitor and test strips and Pre Seed and pregnancy tests. I tracked every little symptom on Fertility Friend. And what do I have to show for it all. NOTHING. AT. ALL.

So, we are into cycle #6. My period is over. I start testing on my CBEFM tomorrow morning for 10 days. I am going out of town Sunday night. I am praying that ovulate early this cycle as I have to travel to NY for work. If I ovulate on the later end of my usual time frame, I'll be in NY during ovulation and the time before it, which means another cycle will have been missed. But I won't think like that. I am going to believe that I'll ovulate early. I am going to believe that we'll BD plenty of times before I leave, giving me the best chance for conception. I am going to believe that this 6th cycle is going to be the one. I have to.

I'm thankful for: Patience. I know I go through moments when I'm upset or disappointed, but I get through it. Having patience is so helpful during those times. When I am just so angry that I haven't gotten pregnant, I remember that it takes time and that I have to be patient. And I am being patient now. I have to be. If I can't find the strength to be patient, then I will mentally check out of this process. That's not where I want to be.

Not pregnant - again

CD2. Going for a consult with my OB/GYN on March 1. Not thrilled.

I'm thankful for: Breathing. Some days that has to be enough.

97.75

And spotting. That means that AF is coming within 24-48 hours. So I'm not pregnant. We are going to try to get tested now that we're going on month 6. I am not distraught. But I am definitely not thrilled.

I'm thankful for: Still having enough hope to try again.

98.40

That was my temp this AM. 98.40. It's 12DPO. Now, I did take 2 pregnancy tests today and neither was positive. That said, I'm still 12DPO, so it's not a sure thing that it would show up as positive anyway. It happens. Mind you, I had 2 fans on me last night, and my temp was still high. Now, it's been going up and down today. It was almost 98.7 earlier, but now it's 97.8. But all that matters is my waking temp, and this morning it was pretty high.

As for symptoms, my nose seems sensitive, but my husband seems isn't smelling what I'm smelling, so that could be in my head. I am tired, but I also had trouble sleeping last night. And I am pretty gassy, but we had beans as part of dinner. My CM has increased, but that's not out of the ordinary. So, I am praying it is a BFP in a day or two.

One thing about the tests - I did say I would test if there was something out of the ordinary on my charts. I've never had a temp increase from 11DPO to 12DPO before. And this is the latest that I've ever had a temp at 98.4 this late in my cycle. My temps have actually been 98.0 or lower on 12DPO and lower than 98.1 on 13DPO. So long story short, I need my temps to go up or stay even tomorrow. And even more than that, I need a positive pregnancy test.

I'm thankful for: Home Pregnancy Tests. It's nice to be able to find out whether I am with child in the comfort of my home. There was a time where a woman couldn't do that. And while I know I haven't had a positive yet, I do like being able to test.

I love Saturdays

They are the best days of the week. My temp went down last night. At 11 DPO,  that's not the best sign. So I'm hoping for a rise tomorrow. So far, my temps have either stayed the same or dropped between 11DPO and 12DPO, so a rise in temp in the morning would be perfect.

I'm thankful for: You guessed it - Saturdays!! Things always seem a little more manageable on Saturdays.

Jeez

I am so annoyed. I have a good life. Really, I have a good life. I have a husband and family who love me. Great friends who care about me. A job that I am relatively good at and that allows me the flexibility to work from home. I live in sunny CA. Life is good.

So why do I feel so bad right now?

I am going to just pray and try to focus on being positive.

I'm really trying

My temps were down this morning. The fan was on and blowing on me, so that could have something to do with it. But I am really using all of my energy to continue to think positively. I know there are women who have been trying for years. And I know I am supposed to believe with all of my heart that I am pregnant. But I also know that my lower temps are the most encouraging thing to see on a chart at 10 DPO. They aren't so low that it would be a true implantation dip. But if my temps shoot up tomorrow, then maybe it is.

I just want to be pregnant so badly. We are ready to start a family now, and the longer it takes the older we get. It's bad enough that I'm over 30 and he's over 40. Neither of us is really "young". And neither of us is in "great" health. We're not awful, but we're not great. So the age plays more of a role. So the sooner we have children, the better.

I am not going to get discouraged. One day of temps falling is not a sign. The only true sign of not being pregnant is having my period. So I am going to continue to believe and stay optimistic. But this morning it's been a little hard.

I'm thankful for: Continuing to remember to be thankful. Some days, like today, it's easy to get caught up in feeling negative. But forcing myself to remember something to be thankful for is really helpful. I puts me in a much better mood when I have to think about what's good in my life. And being thankful, no matter what else is going on, is something I think is good for me. There are always going to be days when things are all going according to plan. But being grateful for something makes those days just a little easier.

So ready

I am so ready for my BFP. I am still feeling off. I still have sore breast. I have these mild cramps. And I still very much want to be pregnant! I am praying for my temp to rise tomorrow AM. OR for a serious implantation dip. But I would much prefer the rise.

I did break down and test today. I know I shouldn't have. But my temps looks different from other cycles, so this is not my breaking my promise. I am going to hold off on testing again. I really would prefer that DH be home when I get my positive anyway. So, I will hope that my temps stay looking good and will consider testing again on Saturday as it would be a great welcome home present for him.

I'm thankful for: Walking. I have started walking for 30 minutes each day, and it makes me feel so much better. I enjoy the fresh air and the exercise. I also have to believe it's healthy for me. I know it's not p90X or anything, but as long as I am doing it regularly, there are some benefits!

Patiently waiting

Time isn't dragging, but I will be happy when I get to the testing part. My temps are up. That's a good sign. My breasts are still sore, my back hurts, I'm tired again. I want a BFP...

I'm thankful for: Modern Family. This show is so funny and clever. I have to give it my attention when it's on because sometimes the jokes are so quick, I miss them. And I needed a laugh tonight. It's always nice to end the evening with some humor.

42 points...

I'm thankful for: 42 points on the FF Early Pregnancy Signs monitor! Love it. My breasts are sore, which is definitely not usual. I am also urinating a lot. I don't think I'm drinking more water, so it's another good sign. I'm very hopeful this cycle!