This isn't feeling fair

So there's still no sign of ovulation. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Last month, CD11 was the day I ovulated. This month, I'm not sure I'll even ovulate before the end of the month. My super wonderful, but sometimes not completely understanding husband says to me this morning "you probably aren't ovulating this month." I know he meant this as just a piece of information. I know he didn't mean to upset me or make me freak out. And I didn't (at least on the outside). But the second he said it, I started to feel pretty badly. I mean, if I don't ovulate this cycle, that will mean that I won't conceive this year. There's always next cycle and next year, and that's not the end of the world. But where does this fit into my plan to have kids sooner rather than later? How does that link up with all of the "believing" I was doing a few weeks ago?

I don't know. The end of this year is really getting me down. I usually like the new year. It's always a time for me to reflect and to take steps towards making the next year better. I am not feeling any of those things this year.

Feeling bad

We are 23 days into the month, and I have only posted for 10 of them (not counting this one). I am feeling really badly about that. That said I do feel good about the content. I've really captured some interesting days for me. It's more than I've done in the past few years. I just haven't been that good at keeping a journal, so this is the next best thing.

I am on CD8 and still no signs of entering a fertile phase. The CBEFM is giving me low readings. I am ultimately not upset about it - I think I ovulated early last month just so I would have a chance to TTC before I left for the East Coast. I'm hoping to see fertile CM tomorrow because I would love to conceive during Christmastime.

And the waiting starts once again

CD5 and I am back to square one. I am waiting for signs that I am fertile and praying that this is the month. Or believing that this is the month - that this is the year - that I am going to get pregnant. I am not going to write a lot right now, as I don't think I have a lot to say. But I am hopeful and thankful for today. And that's enough.

I'm not pregnant

It’s the main reason I haven’t posted. I haven’t been sure what to say. I’m disappointed but not devastated. I still believe with all my heart that it’s going to happen for me. But it’s hard. It’s really, really hard. When my temperature started dropping, I just kept praying that it would go up again – that is was an implantation dip. And when AF showed up, I spent hours reading posts on other websites about people who were actually pregnant even though all other signs were point to their not being with child. But I took the test. And I am not one of those people.

I want to end the year pregnant. And it can still happen. There’s still time. I am still perfectly convinced I will be pregnant before the end of the year. It’s cutting it close, but that doesn’t matter. Being pregnant on December 31, 2009 still counts! I can’t stop believing – that’s what faith is all about. I still have faith. And what a great story to tell when it happens. I pushed it to the very last day of the year, but Baby Lua showed up! That will mean I am hugely pregnant over the summer because my due date would be in late September. But I would love every minute of it.

With love to you Baby Lua – I just have to wait until you’re here. But I know you’re coming. I just know.

Good Morning

I am just taking a moment to be positive again this AM and say good morning. I am so grateful and thankful for such a wonderful husband, good friends and a job that allows me the opportunity to head back east every once in a while! Today is going to be a great day!

Just waiting

I am happy. That's really the best way to explain it. I have to admit, I am tired most days. And my breast are sore. But other than that, I feel really good. I know it's because of Baby Lua. I am really looking forward to Friday morning, so I can take my pregnancy test and show DH. I know this may sound crazy to those reading this, but I am holding true to my decision. I won't go back on it now. 

My temps dipped sharply this morning. I believe it's an implantation dip. I'll have proof Friday morning. I have to stop this post now, because I am not feeling well at all. The waiting isn't killing me. But I wish I could just take a test now and tell him...

Making a decision

I am making a decision. This is really important because it’s a decision to be happy, to be unstressed, to be fulfilled. I had to actually go back and re-type what I just wrote. Initially it said “be happier and less stressed”. That’s not what I want. I want to be happy. Definitively. I want to be unstressed. Definitively. I want to be fulfilled. Period.  End of sentence. I know this sounds crazy, but I am deciding, not to believe this to be true, but to know it to be true. I have spent a good portion of my life thinking about how not happy I was. How stressed out I was. I look at previous posts and so many of them are focused on being stressed out, or not thrilled about my life’s circumstances. Then I see a lot of posts hoping good things to be true rather than just believing they are gong to come to me. I am going to change that. Better yet, I am changing that.

So where is this coming from? I just read The Secret. Now, I am not saying this book changed my life. I am saying that I am changing my life. The Secret told me what I already knew to be true. You can create your own circumstances by the power of thinking. And I’m planning on doing just that. I mean, I am doing just that.  I’ve had this work for me in the past. I can think of times in my life where I thought and believed something so much that it manifested itself. I decided that I was going to find a new job that allowed me the ability to work from home. I now work from home. I decided that I wanted to find a husband that would be truly compatible with my sometimes crazy needs. I found my DH and couldn’t be happier.

How does this apply to Baby Lua. I have decided I am pregnant. I just am. I know I took a test that said I wasn’t, but I have decided that it was too early to show results. That doesn’t change the fact that I am pregnant. I am living with this knowledge and acting accordingly. I am not drinking. I am not taking in caffeine. I am watching what I am eating. Because I am going to be healthy for Baby Lua. I am not specifying whether I have a boy or girl, because I will be happy with either. I am, however, certain that Baby Lua will be born healthy and will be happy. I know this to be true.

This may sound crazy. I understand that. But when I take my next pregnancy test this week to show my husband the good news, it will sound a lot less crazy. As a show of my faith that I am pregnant, I am not going to take a test on my testing day, Wednesday, because I won’t be at home to share the test stick with DH. Instead, I’ll just wait to take the test Friday AM when I get home so I can show him the stick. I don’t need the test results just for my own information. I just need them so when the doctor asks whether I’ve taken the test, I can say “yes’

I just created a meeting planner in my calendar for Baby Lua’s arrival date (based on my Fertility Friend ovulation date). It’s August 24, 2010. I am sooooo excited. My stomach is getting butterflies just thinking about it. This is how I am going to create my future for myself, I am going to attract the things I want for myself by believing in them. By knowing them.

So Baby Lua, I can’t wait to meet you, but I am sooooooo glad you’re here. I love you already!

More than halfway through the 2WW

I am really starting to obsess about testing. I think it's because I am feeling so good about my chances this month. I scored 43 on the Fertility Friend Early Pregnancy Monitor today. That's my highest score yet. I think that's a great sign. I know it's not definitive, but I like things that help keep my spirits up.

So, why I am so positive today. Well, my breast are definitely tender. It's not something I really notice before AF, so I am hoping that this is a really good sign. I also just feel really funny. Not bad, just funny. I'm tired and just don't feel like I have enough energy. I am feeling fluttery on the inside. Not like I get when I am stressed, and I feel like my blood pressure is high. Just a little fluttery. It may just be because I am not stressed out and am in good spirits generally.

Oh Baby Lua, please, please, please be with me. DH and I are so looking forward to your arrival. You would be the best Christmas gift ever!

Getting some good ideas

The 2WW is slowly starting to get on my nerves. I really think I am pregnant this time around. I feel just believe it to be true. Everything has worked out so that we could conceive this month. There is no good reason why I should have ovulated on Day 11. I really thought we would miss my fertile window this month, but because I ovulated so early, it worked out perfectly. I couldn't have asked for better timing!

Overall, I just have this good feeling. I am less stressed about work. I have a nice adrenaline rush which feels positive to me. And I just believe that Baby Lua is with me already. I am thinking good thoughts and trying to take good care of myself. I'll know for sure some time next week and will really try my best not to test early. It's hard though because I really am excited and just want the confirmation to share with DH!

But I am going to take it one day at a time. I will only have 9 months to enjoy the journey, so I should just enjoy every moment of it.

6 DPO

I'm back from my mini-vacation and am writing again. I am off on another trip on Friday, but I am going to enjoy the next few days at home with my husband. It's nice to have a break, but it's also nice to be back home where everything is at your fingertips.

I am 6 DPO today. This time next week, I'll be seriously thinking about testing. I have to admit - in a way I am glad to be so busy this week and next. It means that I won't be thinking about being pregnant all of the time. But I did want to just give  quick status update, because I think I will be pretty busy today...

Waiting for confirmation

I'm only on day 12, but I think I ovulated yesterday. My stats are all pointing to it, so I'm pretty excited. If it's true, I am pretty sure I'll get a "high" probability for conception from Fertility Friend. That's a good thing. I have done everything I possibly could to increase my chances of getting pregnant this cycle.

That said I know that there are no guarantees. I may have done everything right and could quite possibly still not end up pregnant. This is life. This is real. I could have fertility problem of which I am unaware. So could DH. But I refuse to let the worries get to me this early in the game. This is only my third cycle and only my first after the 2 cycles off the pill mark. So in some ways, this is really my first good shot at getting pregnant anyway.

I really want to finish 2009 with Baby Lua growing inside of me. I don't want to start 2010 not pregnant. But if that's is what is meant for me, then I will accept it and learn to deal with it.

But my temps are up. I did have an LH surge. We did BD quite a bit during my fertile time. So there's a good chance that in mid-December I'll have some good news to share. I am going to focus on that.

I got the "egg"!

On CD11, I got the "egg" on my CBEFM! I am so excited. I finally feel like my body is doing all the right things. We just need to time our BD right.

As I hope you can see from the picture, the line on the left side of the test from CD11 is noticeably dark. I don't know whether these tests are more sensitive or maybe it was the fact that I took the test in the AM per the instructions. Either way, I love the fact that I got my egg!

I am really hoping that this leads to good things later this month. I would LOVE to be able to tell DH that all of the time I've spent thinking about getting pregnant and all of the money I've spent on the CBEFM, OPK tests, the FSH test etc has been worth it. He won't go for it - he'll say I would have gotten pregnant anyway. But I can try.

So, looking at my chart, I actually think I've already ovulated. My temp over the past 2 cycles has risen in the same way that it's rising now, so I think I'll see the red cross-hairs on FF indicating that I did ovulate yesterday.  But it could be today or maybe even tomorrow given my Peak reading on the CBEFM. So I am still going to try to talk DH into BD'ing again tonight. I want to give ourselves the best chance for conceiving!! Wish us luck!