Hopeful

I want today to be a good day. I really do. It's 4:30 AM, and I'm up and ready to get some work done. Now, I should have gotten some work done yesterday, but instead I slept most of the day and stuffed my face the rest of it. I was feeling so awful. But I'm paying for it now with a stomachache and will probably be paying for it the next few weeks with the extra weight gain. I really want to lose weight, but the occasional binge-eating makes that really hard.

TTC is hard. I know it shouldn't be, but it has been for me. Not the act of making love, but all of the work we've put in around it. I mean, look at all the women who just "end up" pregnant. It should just be a natural part of life. Instead, I'm taking temps, peeing on things, chugging cough medicine, researching all kinds of old wives tales, etc. I just don't think it's supposed to be this involved. Part of me wants to stop it all this last cycle, but I'll hate not knowing for sure that I ovulated or when my best testing day is. None of it "hurts" me. In some ways, it gives me something to do. But on the other hand, it is a little stressful.

I don't know. I think I am in a little bit of a funk. I'm always a little down when my husband isn't home. And I'm always a little down when I realize that I'm not pregnant. And I'm always a little down when I get closer to my birthday. So I have to cut myself some slack here. I just wish I were in a better mood. Seriously.

I'm thankful for: Having the energy to get up early to work. Usually, when I can't sleep, I lay in bed for hours. This morning, I got right out of bed and started my day. Part of this is because DH isn't here, so I don't have an excuse to stay in the bed. But part of it is I want to try to make the most of today so that I can feel better about myself. I always feel much better when I'm productive.