Not directly about TTC

I am not going to write about trying to conceive today. But just as an update, I'm on CD3 with nothing new to report.

Today, I am going to write about my health. I have to fight for it. I have to. I have a problem. I didn't really realize it until yesterday, but I know I have a problem now. It's an issue with food. I admit this. I think about it way more than the average person. My DH can attest to that. I think about what I'm going to eat on the weekend on Monday. I think about the next opportunity I'm going to have to "cheat" on my diet. What thing can we celebrate, what restaurant can I talk him into going to? It's an odd obsession.

I don't know when this started. I don't think I was always this way. But I do know why I am this way now. It's something I have complete control over. It gives me pleasure to eat something sweet and rich, even if only for a minute. I know I can buy or bake something and all is well for the time I am eating it. I know I'll feel bad afterward. I know I'll look in the mirror or get on the scale and hate what I've done. I know I'll try to remember the sick feeling in my stomach so that the next time I'm tempted, I won't eat.  And I know I won't remember it. Or I will remember it, but it won't matter. I just want that moment or two of sugar.

So back to why - Instead of getting pleasure out of normal things, I've placed a good deal of energy in getting pleasure out of things I can control. This way I can't be disappointed. You'd think I'd control my body then, but I don't get pleasure out of the exercise, and I'm so far away from where I'd like to be with my weight that I don't think about my body as a potential source of "controllable pleasure". It's so sad. If I could obsess about my weight the way I do about a really good cupcake, I'd look like a rockstar.

But the real question is what am I going to do about it. Seriously. I can't live like this. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to my husband. And it's not going to be remotely good for my children. I can't have a child with an overweight, binge eating mother. My husband shouldn't have to settle for a wife who is so selfish that she won't take care of herself so she can eat whatever she wants. And I shouldn't have to settle for being less than what I can be.

This is actually a bigger issue. I am always settling for less than I can be because I don't want to risk not being able to be more. It's crazy. I am more of a perfectionist that I thought.

So back to what I am going to do about it. I am going to admit that I have a problem. I just told my husband, so there's no going back now. I have a problem. The next step for me is to pray about it. Over and over. And then I have to get better one day at a time. I am going to take it one step at a time. One meal at a time.

I'm thankful for: Admitting when I need help. I hate to do it. I want to be completely self-sufficient. But I'm not.