Stopping By

I can't write a lot today. I am traveling and have TONS of work to do before going to work in the morning. So the question is what should I be talking about?

Let's start off with the eating, since it's on my mind. I haven't been eating well. I thought I would be, but I'm not. Instead, I've been eating all of this junk for no good reason. Just mindless eating. And I've been hating myself. I look in the mirror and am disgusted. And that just makes me want to eat more because I'm so upset. It's a vicious cycle. the unhappier I get, the more I eat. The more I eat, the more disgusted I get with myself. The more disgusted I get with myself, the unhappier I get. And it starts again. I have to find some way out of this sometime soon. Or I am going to hate myself and my husband is going to be very disappointed.

On to the baby stuff. I'm on CD 8 and not in my high fertility time yet. I haven't had any symptoms one way or another. I feel fine and am just waiting for my CM to change or to see an increase in my fertility stats on my CBEFM. I'm expecting so see something in the next 2-3 days.

But related to that is DH's request to know more about medicated (Clomid or Injectables) with timed intercourse. He says he's just asking for information, but he also has said a few times that he really would prefer not to go down the IUI route. So I am trying really hard not to be upset. I understand that no one wants to make a baby through assisted reproductive techniques, but it is what it is. I just want to try the most cost-effective thing we can try given that we clearly aren't doing any of this on our own. I get that he wants to do this "naturally", but I don't want to keep trying and not getting results. Part of me just wants to say "fine" and try to get the doctor to let us do timed intercourse with drugs. This would avoid the potential fight and would at least make me feel like we were doing something more than what we're doing now. But I would feel like we're wasting yet another month when we could be doing something with a higher likelihood of success. I'm not saying it wouldn't work, but I am saying why do something with an x% chance of getting pregnant, when we can afford to do something with x+y% chance of getting pregnant. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Well, that's not completely true. I understand why he wants to minimize the "assistance". Everybody wants to conceive the old-fashioned way I would imagine. But I also understand that the science of it all says that IUI makes more sense in our situation and that's enough for me. For him, the science is sort of the problem. He just wants to conceive a child in a bed like the majority of the population. There's no winning or losing here. Just 2 different approaches to a problem.

I do feel like I've compromised. I wanted to start IUI fast, but I knew he didn't want to, so we decided next cycle would be it. But now he's revisiting it. And he can say he's "just asking" all day long. He's only "just asking" because he'd prefer to not do an IUI next month. I know he will do it, and I love him for that. But I just wish he would accept that IUI is the best thing for us medically and move on. But I suppose he wishes that I would accept that timed intercourse with drugs is the best thing for him mentally. So we're kind of between a rock and a hard places.

Well, off to work. I'll keep you informed.

I'm thankful for: Always being able to get a good night's rest. I wouldn't be much fun if I were an insomniac.