I wish I could make him understand

I am trying really, really hard to be positive. I am. But it's hard. I have been crying for the past 10 minutes because I just don't know what to do. My monitor gave me a "high" reading today and I have tons of EWCM. I just don't have my husband in town to do anything about it. Which means we are going to miss a month. Which means that I have to wait another 25+ days just to try again. And guess what - I'll be out of town next month during my fertile phase. Which means we can't try again until March. Which means it will be my last chance of having a baby in 2010. Which means if I want more than one child, I have to have a child after 35, which I really didn't want to do. And all of this is assuming we're even going to be able to have kids. Which I don't know.

This is just so hard. Part of me wants to stop thinking about it. To just give up and let the chips fall where they may. But then I think my chances are worse. Because at least now I am doing everything I can to maximize my chances. If I just give up, I may not be giving myself a fighting chance. Which I guess is what giving up is.

I'm sorry. I know there are women who are going through much worse. So I am thankful for ovulating regularly and having a DH who wants to have a child. I am just having a rough patch today.

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Well, I just took a moment to do some research. Maybe what I had was some seriously sticky CM which means I'm not quite fertile yet. I thought it was EWCM, because there was so much of it in a blob. But when I started to really think about it, I think it might have been sticky CM. Which means that I am probably going to ovulate in 3-4 days. Which would mean a Tuesday or Wednesday ovulation. Which would be a good thing. So I am going to continue to pray about it and try my best to be positive. I haven't given up hope. But I needed a few minutes to pull myself together.

I'm thankful for: The Internet. I mean, here I was having a mental breakdown, and all I had to do was search for cervical mucus to learn that I might have actually been experiencing sticky mucus and not EWCM. Only the next few days will tell. But I have my positive hat back on after a brief setback. So thank you internet, for letting me get information and for hosting this blog, so I have somewhere to share my thoughts!